script Love actually

 

 

 

 

 

heathrowairport

Narrator	Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s started to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. Seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there: fathers and sons; mothers and daughters; husbands and wives; boyfriends; girlfriends; old friends. When the planes hit the twin towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge; they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.
Bill	♪ I feel it in my fingers; ♪ I feel it in my toes. (I feel it in my toes, yeah.) ♪ Love is all around me (All around me) ♪ And so the fee …
Joe	I’m afraid you did it again, Bill.
Bill	[Sigh] It’s just I know the old version so well, you know.
Joe	Well, we all do. That’s why we’re making the new version.
Bill   Christmas Is All Around: Bill Nighy – A cover of Love Is All Around: Reg Presley	Right, OK. Let’s go. ♪ I feel it in my fingers; (In my fingers) ♪ I feel it in my toes. (I feel it in my toes, yeah.) ♪ Love is all arou … Oh fuck, wank, bugger, shitting arsehead and hole. Start again. ♪ I feel it in my fingers; (In my fingers) ♪ I feel it in my toes. (I feel it in my toes, yeah.) ♪ Christmas is all around me (All around me) ♪ And so the feeling grows. (So the feeling grows.) ♪ It’s written in the wind; (In the wind) ♪ It’s everywhere I go, (Everywhere I go) ♪ So if you really love Christmas, (Love Christmas) ♪ Come on and let it snow. (Come on and let it snow.) This is shit, isn’t it?
Joe	Yep: solid gold shit, maestro.

 

jamie’sbedroom

Jamie	God, I’m so late.
Girlfriend	It’s just round the corner; you’ll make it.
Jamie	You sure you don’t mind me going without you?
Girlfriend	No, really. I’m just feeling so rotten.
Jamie	I love you.
Girlfriend	I know.
Jamie	I love you even when you’re sick and look disgusting.
Girlfriend	I know. Now, go, or you will actually miss it.
Jamie	Right. Did I mention that I love you?
Girlfriend	Yes, you did. Get out, loser.

danielandsam’sandharryandkaren’shouses

Daniel	Karen. It, it’s me again. I’m sorry; I, I literally don’t have anyone else to talk to.
Karen	Absolutely. Horrible moment right now though. Can I call you back?
Daniel	Of course.
Karen	Doesn’t mean I’m not terribly concerned that your wife just died.
Daniel	Understood. Err, bugger off; call me later.
Karen	So what’s this big news then?
Daisy	We’ve been given our parts in the nativity play … and I’m the lobster.
Karen	The lobster?
Daisy	Yeah.
Karen	In the nativity play?
Daisy	Yeah: First Lobster.
Karen	There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?
Daisy	Duh.

 

harry’scompany

Colin

Best sandwiches in Britain. Try my lovely nuts? Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady. Morning, my future wife.

 

church

Peter	No surprises?
Mark	No surprises.
Peter	Not like the stag night?
Mark	Unlike the stag night.
Peter	Do you admit the Brazilian prostitutes were a mistake?
Mark	I do.
Peter	And it would’ve been much better if they’d not turned out to be men.
Mark	That is true. Good luck, kiddo.

 

10downingstreet

Press	Prime Minister! Prime Minister! Over here!
David	Thank you.
Annie	Welcome, Prime Minister.
David	Whoa. I must work on my wave. How are you?
Annie	How’re you feeling?
David	Erm … cool; powerful.
Annie	Would you like to meet your household staff?
David	Yes, I would like that very much indeed. Anything to put off actually running the country.
Annie	This is Terence. He’s in charge.
Terence	Good morning, sir.

 

David	Err, good morning. I had an uncle called Terence once. Hated him; I think he was a pervert, but I very much like the look of you.
Annie	This is Pat.
David	Hello, Pat.
Pat	Good morning, sir. I’m the housekeeper.
David	Oh, right. Well it should be a lot easier with me than with the last lot. No nappies; no teenagers; no scary wife.
Annie	And this is Natalie. She’s new, like you.
David	Hello, Natalie.
Natalie	Hello, David. I mean, sir. Shit, I can’t believe I’ve just said that. And now I’ve gone and said ”shit”. Twice. I’m so sorry, sir.
David	It’s fine; it’s fine. You could’ve said “fuck” and then we’d have been in real trouble.
Natalie	Thank you, sir. I did have an awful premonition I was going to fuck up on my first day. Oh, piss it.
Annie	Right. I’ll go ’n’ get my things, and then let’s fix the country, shall we?
David	Yeah, I can’t see why not.
Pat	[Whispering] It’s alright.
Natalie	[Whispering] Did you see what I did?
Pat	[Whispering] Yes, I did.
Natalie	[Whispering] I just went “Blurh”.
David	Hello there.
Annie	I’m right over here.
David	Yeah, I’m in here. OK. Good. Thank you. Ah. [Alone] Oh, no. That is so inconvenient.

 

church

Vicar	In the presence of God, Peter and Juliette have given their consent and made their marriage vows to each other. They’ve declared their marriage by the giving and receiving of rings. I therefore proclaim that they are husband and wife.
Music	♪ [The Wedding March]
Peter	And you resisted the temptation for surprises.
Mark	Yeah, I’m mature now.
Music	♪ [The Wedding March becomes La Marsellaise.]
Chorus	♪ Love, love, love. Love, love, love. Love, love, love, love. Love, love, love, love.
Juliette	Did you do this?
Peter	Err, no.
Singer	♪ There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.
Peter	Oh, it …

 

 

 

 

 

Singer   All You Need Is Love: The Beatles	♪ There’s nothing you can sing that can’t be sung. ♪ There’s nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the game. ♪ It’s easy. ♪ All you need is love; all you need is love. ♪ All you need is love, love. ♪ Love is all you need.
Peter	Look, it’s Pikey.

 

jamie’shouse

Jamie	Hello! What the hell are you doing here?
Brother	Oh, I just, err, popped over to borrow some old CDs.
Jamie	The lady of the house let you in, did she?
Brother	Err, yeah.
Jamie	Lovely, obliging girl.
Brother	Yeah.
Jamie	Oh, I, I just thought I’d pop back before the reception to see if she’s better. This is good.
Brother	Oh.
Jamie	Listen, erm, I’ve been thinking, I, I think perhaps we ought to take Mum out for her birthday on Friday. What do you think? I, I just feel we’ve been bad sons this year.
Brother	OK. Sounds fine: a bit, you know, boring, but fine.
Girlfriend	Hurry up, big boy. I’m naked and I want you at least twice before Jamie gets home.

 

weddingreception

Juliette	I am so happy to see you.
Colin	Delicious delicacy?
Mark	Err, no, thanks.
Colin	Taste explosion? Food?
Nancy	No, thanks.
Colin	Yeah, a bit dodgy, isn’t it? Looks like a dead baby’s finger. Ooh. Oh. Tastes like it, too. I’m Colin, by the way.
Nancy	I’m Nancy.
Colin	Wicked. And what do you do, Nancy?
Nancy	I’m a cook.
Colin	Ever do weddings?
Nancy	Yes, I do.
Colin	They should’ve asked you to do this one.
Nancy	They did.
Colin	God, I wish you hadn’t have turned it down.
Nancy	I didn’t.
Colin	[Embarrassed giggle] Right.

backroom

Colin	I’ve just worked out why I can never find true love.
Tony	Why’s that?
Colin	English girls. They’re stuck up, you see. And I am primarily attracted to girls who are y-you know, cooler, game for a laugh, like American girls. So, I should just go to America! I’d get a girlfriend there instantly. What do you think?
Tony	I think it’s … crap, Colin.
Colin	Nah, that’s where you’re wrong. American girls would seriously dig me with my cute British accent.
Tony	You don’t have a cute British accent.
Colin	Yes, I do! I’m going to America!
Tony	Colin, you’re a lonely, ugly arsehole. You must accept it.
Colin	Never. I am Colin, God of Sex. I’m just on the wrong continent, that’s all.

 

church

Daniel

Jo and I had err, a lot of time to prepare for this moment. Some of her err, requests, err, for instance that I should bring Claudia Schiffer as my date to the funeral, I was confident she expected me to ignore, but others she was pretty damn clear about. When she first mentioned what’s about to happen, I said “Over my dead body.” and she said “No, Daniel: over mine.” and, err, as usual, my darling girl, and Sam’s darling mum, was right. So, she’s going to say her final farewell to you, not through me, but, inevitably, ever so coolly, through the immortal genius of the Bay City Rollers.

Music   Bye Bye Baby, by The Bay City Rollers

♪ Bye-bye baby. Baby goodbye. ♪ Goodbye baby. Baby bye-bye, ah. ♪ Bye-bye baby. Don’t make me cry. ♪ Goodbye baby. Baby bye-bye. ♪ You’re the one girl in town I’d marry. ♪ Girl, I’d marry you now if I were free. ♪ I wish it could be. ♪ I could love you, but why begin it? ♪ ’Cause there ain’t any future in it. ♪ She’s got me, but I’m not free, so …

 

weddingreception

Music   Same song continues	♪ Bye-bye baby. Baby goodbye. ♪ Goodbye baby. Baby bye-bye, ah. ♪ Bye-bye baby. Don’t make me cry. ♪ Goodbye baby. Baby bye-bye. ♪ Wish I’d never known you …
Sarah	Do you love him?
Mark	Err, err, what?
Sarah	No, I, I just thought I’d ask the blunt question in case it was the right one and you’d needed someone to talk to about it and n-no-one had ever asked you, so you’d never been able to talk about it even though you might’ve wanted to.
Mark	No. No. No. No is, is the answer. No, a-a-a-a-absolutely not.
Sarah	So that’s a no, then?
Mark	Yes. Erm … this, this DJ: what do you reckon? The worst in history?
Sarah	Probably. I think it all hangs on the next song.
DJ	Now here’s one for the lovers. That’s quite a few of you, I shouldn’t be surprised and a half.
Music	♪ And they call it puppy love. … [Puppy Love, by S Club Juniors]
Mark	He’s done it. It’s official.
Sarah	Worst DJ in the world.

 

harry’scompany

Mia	Sarah’s waiting for you.
Harry	Oh, yes, of course, erm, great, err good, good. How’re you doing, Mia? Are you settling in fine? Learning who to avoid?
Mia	Absolutely.
Sarah	Harry?
Harry	Sarah, switch off you phone and, err, tell me exactly how long it is that you’ve been working here.
Sarah	Two years, seven months, three days and I suppose, what, two hours?
Harry	And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?
Sarah	Umm, two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and thirty minutes.
Harry	Thought as much.
Sarah	Do you think everybody knows?
Harry	Yes.
Sarah	Do you think Karl knows?
Harry	Yes.
Sarah	Oh, that is, that is bad news.
Harry	Well I just thought that maybe the time had come to do something about it.
Sarah	Like what?
Harry	Invite him out for a drink and then, after about twenty minutes, casually drop into the conversation the fact that you’d like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.
Sarah	You know that?
Harry	Yes … and so does Karl. Think about it, for all our sakes. It’s Christmas.
Sarah	Certainly. Excellent. Will do. Thanks, boss.
Karl	Hi, Sarah.
Sarah	Hi, Karl.
Karl	Excuse me.
Radio	♪ Christmas is All Around [Sarah’s mobile phone rings]
Sarah	Babe. Absolutely. Fire away. Mia, Mia, would you turn that down? What is that?

radiostudio

DJ	That was the Christmas effort from the once great Billy Mack. Oh dear me, how are the mighty fallen. I can safely put my hand on my arse and say that is the worst record I’ve heard this century. … Oh, and coincidentally, I believe Billy will be a guest on my friend Mike’s show in a few minutes’ time. Welcome back, Bill.
Mike	So, Billy, welcome back to the airwaves. New Christmas single: cover of Love Is All Around.
Bill	Except we’ve changed the word “love” to “Christmas”.
Mike	Yes, err, is that an important message to you, Bill?
Bill	Not really, Mike. Christmas is a time for people with someone they love in their lives.
Mike	And that’s not you?
Bill	That’s not me, Michael. When I was young and successful, I was greedy and foolish, and now I’m left with no-one, wrinkled and alone.
Mike	Wow. Thanks for that, Bill.
Bill	For what?
Mike	Well for actually giving a real answer to a question. It doesn’t often happen here at Radio Watford, I can tell you.
Bill	Ask me anything you like: I’ll tell you the truth.
Mike	The best shag you ever had.
Bill	Britney Spears.
Mike	Wow.
Bill	No, only kidding. She was rubbish!
Mike	OK, erm, here’s one. How do you think the new record compares to your old, classic stuff?
Bill	Oh come on, Mikey; you know as well as I do the record’s crap. But wouldn’t it be great if number one this Christmas wasn’t some smug teenager, but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price? All those young popsters come Christmas Day, they’ll be stretched out naked with a cute bird balancing on their balls and I’ll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager, Joe – ugliest man in the world – fucking miserable because our fucking gamble didn’t pay off. So, if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record and particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment when we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.
Mike	I think you’re referring to err, “If you really love Christmas …”
Bill	“Come on and let it snow.” Ouch.
Mike	So, err, here it is one more time – the dark horse for this year’s Christmas number one – Christmas Is All Around. Thank you, Billy. After this, the news. Is the new Prime Minister in trouble already?

cabinetroom10downingstreet

David	OK, what’s next?
Alex	The President’s visit.
David	Ah, yes, yes. I fear this is going to be a difficult one to play. Alex.
Alex	There’s a very strong feeling in the party we mustn’t allow ourselves to be bullied from pillar to post like the last government.
All	Here, here.
Minister	This is our first really important test. Let’s take a stand.
David	Right, right. I understand that, but I have decided … not to. Not this time. We will, of course, try to be clever, but let’s not forget that America is the most powerful country in the world. I’m not going to act like a petulant child. Right, who do you have to screw round here to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit? Right.

 

primeminister’soffice

David	Yeah, come in.
Natalie	These’ve just come through from the treasury …
David	Uh-huh.
Natalie	and these are for you.
David	Excellent. Thanks a lot.
Natalie	Umm, I was hoping you’d win. Not that I wouldn’t have been nice to the other bloke, too; just always given him the boring biscuits with no chocolate.
David	Ha! Thanks very much, Thanks … Natalie. [Alone] God, come on; get a grip. You’re the Prime Minister, for God’s sake.

 

deliveryvan

Colin	Exciting news!
Tony	What?
Colin	I’ve bought a ticket to the States. I’m off in three weeks.
Tony	No!
Colin	Yes! To a fantastic place called Wisconsin.
Tony	No!
Colin	Yes! Wisconsin babes, here comes Sir Colin! Whoo-hoo!
Tony	No, Col! There are a few babes in America, I grant you, but they’re already going out with rich, attractive guys.
Colin	Now Tone, you’re just jealous. You know perfectly well that any bar anywhere in America contains ten girls more beautiful and more likely to have sex with me than the whole of the United Kingdom.
Tony	That is total bollocks. You’ve actually gone mad, now.
Colin	No, I’m wise. Stateside, I am Prince William without the weird family.
Tony	No, Colin. No!
Colin	Yes!
Tony	Nyet!
Colin	Da!
Tony	Nein!
Colin	Ja, darling!

 

harry’scompany

Harry	Right, the Christmas party: not my favourite night of the year, and your unhappy job to organise.
Mia	Tell me.
Harry	It’s basic, really. Find a venue, over-order on the drinks, bulk-buy the guacamole, and advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts unfondled.
Mia	Wives and family and stuff?
Harry	Yeah, I mean not children, but their wives and girlfriends, et cetera. Oh Christ, you haven’t got some horrible six-foot, tight t-shirt-wearing boyfriend you’ll be bringing, have you?
Mia	No, I’ll just be hanging around the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.
Harry	Really? Right.

 

danielandsam’shouse

Daniel	He now spends all the time in his room. I mean, he’ll be up there now.
Karen	There’s nothing unusual about that. My horrid son –
Daniel	Bernard.
Karen	Bernard – stays in his room all the time … thank goodness.
Daniel	Yeah, but Karen this is ALL the time. I’m afraid that there’s something really wrong, you know? I mean, clearly it’s about his mum, but Christ, he, he might be injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all I know.
Karen	At the age of eleven?
Daniel	Well, maybe not his eyeballs, then. Maybe just his veins. You see the problem is it was his mum who always used to talk to him, you know and, I don’t know, this stepfather thing seems some, suddenly to somehow matter, like it never did before.
Karen	Listen, it was always going to be a totally shit time. Just be patient, and maybe check the room for needles.
Daniel	And then when he sometimes does come out, it’s, it’s obvious he’s been crying. [Crying] It’s just such a ridiculous waste. And now if it’s going to ruin Sam’s life as well, I just don’t know.
Karen	Get a grip. People hate sissies. No-one’s ever going to shag you if you cry all the time.
Daniel	Yeah. Absolutely. Helpful.

riverthames

Daniel	So, what’s the problem, Samuel? Is it just Mum, or is it something else, huh? Maybe school? Are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Give me any clues, you know.
Sam	You really want to know?
Daniel	I really want to know.
Sam	Even though you won’t be able to do anything to help.
Daniel	Even if that’s the case, yeah.
Sam	OK, well, the truth is, actually, I’m in love.
Daniel	Sorry?
Sam	I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time and I am, but the truth is I’m in love, and I was before she died and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Daniel	Aren’t you a bit young to be in love?
Sam	No.
Daniel	Ah, well, OK, well, well, I, I’m a little relieved.
Sam	Why?
Daniel	Well because I thought it would be something worse.
Sam	Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel	Err, no, you’re right. Yeah, total agony.

 

harry’scompany

Karl	Good night, Sarah.
Sarah	Night, Karl. [Mobile rings] Yeah, absolutely. Free as a bird. Fire away.

 

frenchcottage

Jamie

Alone again. Naturally.

 

primeminister’soffice

Minister	I’ll deal with it now.
David	Right. Ah, Natalie.
Natalie	Sir.
David.	Thanks. Natalie! Erm, I’m starting to feel uncomfortable about us working in such close proximity every day and me knowing so little about you. It seems, erm, it seems elitist and wrong.
Natalie	Well, there’s not much to know.
David	Well, erm, where do you live, for instance?
Natalie	Wandsworth: the dodgy end.
David	Ah, my sister lives in Wandsworth.
Natalie	Oh.
David	Yeah. So which exactly is the dodgy end?
Natalie	Right at the end of the High Street: Harris Street, near the Queen’s Head.
David	Ooh yeah, yeah. That is dodgy.
Natalie	Hmm.
David	Erm, and err, you live with you husband? Err, boyfriend? Three illegitimate but charming children?
Natalie	No, I’ve erm, I’ve just split up with my boyfriend actually, so I’m back with my mum and dad for a while.
David	Ah. Sorry.
Natalie	No, it’s fine. I’m well shot of him. He said I was getting fat.
David	I beg your pardon.
Natalie	He said no-one’s going to fancy a girl with thighs the size of big tree trunks. Not a nice guy, actually, in the end.
David	No. … You know, erm, being Prime Minister, I could just have him murdered.
Natalie	Thank you, sir. I’ll think about it.
David	Do. The S.A.S. are absolutely charming. Ruthless, trained killers are just a phone call away. [Alone] Oh God. Did you have this kind of problem? Yeah, of course you did, you saucy minx.

 

danielandsam’slivingroom

Daniel	So, let’s go. We can definitely crack this. Remember, I was a kid once, too. So, come on. It’s someone at school. Right?
Sam	Yeah.
Daniel	Uh-huh. Good, good. And what does she, he, feel about you?
Sam	SHE doesn’t even know my name, and even if she did she’d despise me. She’s the coolest girl in school, and everyone worships her because she’s Heaven.
Daniel	Good. Good. Well, basically you’re fucked, aren’t you?

 

tvstudio

Music	♪ All I Want For Christmas Is You, by Tessa Niles
Ant	Hi there and welcome back. So, Billy, three weeks till Christmas: looks like the big competition is going to be Blue.
Bill	Yeah. I, I saw them on the show last week. They weren’t very nice about my record.
Dec	No. Little scamps!
Bill	But very, very talented musicians.
Dec	Yeah.
Ant	Erm, Billy, I understand you’ve got a prize for our competition winners.
Bill	Yes, I have, Ant or Dec. It’s a, It’s a personalised felt tip pen!
Dec	Oh, great.
Bill	It’s brilliant. It ev, it even writes on glass, so if you, if you’ve got a framed picture, like, for instance, this one of Blue, you, you can just write on it. [Writes “We’ve got little pricks.”]
Dec	Err, a lot of kids watching, Billy.
Bill	Oh, yeah. Hiya kids. Here’s an important message from your Uncle Bill. – Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star and they give you them for free.
Dec	And I do believe, err, it’s a commercial break. Thank goodness. We’ll see you soon. Bye-bye.

gallery

Girl	Look at him. Urgh!
Mark	Just a minute. Actually, they’re not funny; they’re art.
Girls	[Laugh]
Mark	OK, let’s say err, Thursday, my place?
Peter	Great, but for now I’ve got Juliette on the other line. Can I patch you through? She wants to ask you a favour.
Mark	[Sigh] OK, fine.
Peter	Thanks, and, err, be nice.
Mark	I, I’m always nice.
Peter	You know what I mean, Marky: be friendly.
Mark	I’m always …
Juliette	Mark?
Mark	Hi. How was the honeymoon?
Juliette	Oh, it was great, and thanks for the gorgeous sendoff.
Mark	So, what can I do for you?
Juliette	It’s only a tiny favour. I’ve just tried the wedding video and it’s a complete disaster. It’s come out all blue and wibbly.
Mark	I’m sorry.
Juliette	I remember you filming a lot on the day and I just wondered if I could look at your stuff.
Mark	Ah no look, to be honest, I didn’t really, you know.
Juliette	Please. All I want is just one shot of me in a wedding dress that isn’t bright turquoise.
Mark	OK, I’ll have a look, but to be honest I’m pretty sure I wiped it, so don’t get any hopes up. Must go.

 

harry’scompany

Harry	Any progress with our matchmaking plans?
Sarah	No. I’ve done fuck all and never will because he’s too good for me.
Harry	How true. Ouch.
Sarah	Stop. [Mobile rings]
Harry	And of course, your mobile goes.
Sarah	Hello? Hi. How’re you doing?
Harry	So, err, how’s the Christmas party going?
Mia	Good. Think I’ve found a venue. Friend of mine works there.
Harry	What’s it like?
Mia	Good. Good. It’s an art gallery, full of dark corners for doing dark deeds.
Harry	Oh. Right. Good, well, I suppose I should take a look at it or something.
Mia	You should.

frenchcottage

Jamie	Ah, bonjour, Eleonore.
Eleonore	Bonjour, Monsieur Bennett. Welcome back. And this year you bring a lady guest?
Jamie	Err, no. There’s a change of situation. Just me.
Eleonore	Oh, am I sad or not sad?
Jamie	Well I, I think you’re not surprised.
Eleonore	And you stay here till Christmas?
Jamie	Yeah, yeah.
Eleonore	Good. Well, I find you a perfect lady to clean the house. This is Aurelia.
Jamie	Ah, err, bonjour, Aurelia.
Aurelia	Bonjour.
Jamie	Err, je suis, err, très heureux de vous avoir ici. [English: I am very happy for you have here.]
Eleonore	Unfortunately, she cannot speak French, just like you. She’s Portuguese.
Jamie	Ah, ah, buongiorno. [Italian for “Hello”] Eusebio, err, err, er,, molto bueno …
Eleonore	I think she’s ten years too young to remember about a footballer called Eusebio, and “molto bueno” is Spanish.
Jamie	Right. Err, anyway, it’s nice to meet you, and …
Eleonore	Perhaps you can drive her home at the end of her work.
Jamie	Oh absolutely, yes. Err, con, con grande, err, pl-plesura. [With great pleasure.]
Eleonore	Which is what? Turkish?

 

jamie’scar

Jamie

Bello. Err, bella. [Pretty] Err, mon, montagno; arvarez [Mountains, trees] … No, right. Silence is golden, as the Tremeloes said. Clever guys, erm, although I, I think the original version wa-was by erm, Frankie Vallie and the Four Seasons. Gre- gre- great band. [♪ Silence is Golden tune] Oh shut up.

 

10downingstreet

Press	Mr President! Over here, sir! What will you be talking about?
David	Mr President, welcome.
President	It’s a pleasure to meet you.
David	Come on through. I’m sorry your wife couldn’t make it, by the way.
President	Oh, so is she, although she would have been kind of lonely, I’m sure.
David	Yes, pathetic, isn’t it? Just err, never been able to tie a girl down. Not sure that politics and dating really go together.
President	Really? I’ve never found that.
David	Yeah, well the difference is you’re still sickeningly handsome, whereas I look increasingly like my Aunt Mildred. Very jealous of your plane, by the way.
President	Oh thank you. We love that thing, I’ll tell you.
David	Ah! Ah, Natalie. Hi.
President	Morning, ma’am. How’s your day so far?
Natalie	[Giggle]
President	Excellent. [Sigh] My goodness, that’s a pretty little son of a bitch right there. Did you see those pipes?
David	Yeah, yeah, she’s terrific … at her job.

 

meetingroom10downingstreet

US Delegate	No, absolutely not. We cannot and will not consult on that, either.
Alex	That is unexpected.
President	Well it shouldn’t be. The last administration made it perfectly clear. We’re just being consistent with their policies.
Alex	Well with all respect, sir, they were bad policies.
David	Right, thanks, Alex. I don’t think we’re making progress here. Let’s, erm … move on, shall we?

 

sittingroom10downingstreet

David	Well, now, that was, err, an interesting day.
President	Sorry if our line was firm, but there’s no point in tiptoeing around today and then just disappointing you for four years. I mean I have plans and I, I plan to see them through.
David	Absolutely. Now there is one final thing I think we should look at; it’s very close to my heart. If you just give me a second.
President	I’ll give you anything you ask for, as long as it’s not something I don’t want to give.
David	[To Natalie] Hi. [Alone] Pathetic.
President	It’s great Scotch.
Natalie	I’ll erm, I’ll be going then.
President	Err Natalie, I hope to see much more of you as our two great countries work toward a better future.
Natalie	Thank you, sir.

 

pressconference10downingstreet

David	Err, yes, Peter.
Peter	Err, Mr President, err, has it been a good visit?
President	Very satisfactory indeed. We err, got what we came for, and our special relationship is still very special.
Peter	Erm, Prime Minister?
David	I love that word “relationship”. Covers all manner of sins, doesn’t it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship: a relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants, and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to erm … Britain. We may be a small country, but we’re a great one, too – a country of Shakespeare; Churchill; The Beatles; Sean Connery; Harry Potter; David Beckham’s right foot; David Beckham’s left foot, come to that – and a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend, and since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be much stronger, and the President should be prepared for that.
Journalist	Mr President! Mr President!
David	Joe.

afterpressconference

Mary	It’s your sister on line four.
David	Alright. Err, yes, I’m very busy and important; how can I help you?
Karen	Have you gone completely insane?
David	Well you can’t be sensible all the time.
Karen	You can if you’re Prime Minister.
David	Oh dear, it’s the Chancellor of the Exchequor on the other line.
Karen	No, it isn’t.
David	I’ll call you back.
Karen	No, you won’t! You … [To Harry] The trouble with being the Prime Minister’s sister is that it does put your life into rather harsh perspective. What did my brother do today? He stood up and fought for his country, and what did I do? I made a papier-mâché lobster head.
Harry	What is this we’re listening to?
Karen	Joni Mitchell.
Harry	I can’t believe you still listen to Joni Mitchell.
Karen	I love her, and true love lasts a lifetime. Joni Mitchell is the woman who taught your cold English wife how to feel.
Harry	Did she? Oh, well, that’s good. I must write to her some time and say thanks.
Karen	Now which doll should we give Daisy’s little friend Emily: the one that looks like a transvestite, or the one that looks like a dominatrix?

 

primeminister’sbedroom

DJ

It’s almost enough to make you feel patriotic, so here’s one for our arse-kicking Prime Minister. I think he’ll enjoy this: a golden oldie for a golden oldie.

Music   Jump, by the Pointer Sisters

♪ Hold me. ♪ I’ll give you all that you need. ♪ Wrap your love around me. ♪ You’re so excited; ♪ I can feel you getting hotter. ♪ Oh baby. ♪ I’ll take you down; I’ll take you down ♪ Where no-one’s ever gone before ♪ And if you want more, ♪ If you want more, more, more, then ♪ Jump for my love. ♪ Jump in and feel my touch. ♪ Jump. If you want to taste my kisses in the night, then ♪ Jump for my love. ♪ I’ll take you down; I’ll take you down ♪ Where no-one’s ever gone …

 

 

David	Yeah, erm, Mary, I’ve been thinking. Can we move the Japanese Ambassador to four o’clock tomorrow?
Mary	Certainly, sir.
David	Terrific. Thanks so much.

 

frenchcottage

Jamie	Erm, would you like the last err …?
Aurelia	[Portuguese] Thank you very much, but no. If you saw my sister, you’d understand why.
Jamie	That’s alright. More for me.
Aurelia	[Portuguese] Just don’t go eating it all yourself. You’re getting chubbier every day.
Jamie	I’m very lucky; I’ve got one of those constitutions where I never put on weight. [Phone rings] Hello? Oop! Sorry. Hello?

 

outsidefrenchcottage

Jamie	Thank you.
Aurelia	Não! Eu peço imensa desculpa.
Jamie	Oh no. Hold on. Oh, God, it’s half the book.
Aurelia	Que desastre. [English: What a disaster.]
Jamie	Oh no, just, just leave them. Please! They’re not important. They’re they’re not worth it! Err, stop! Stop. Aa-ahh! It’s all just rubbish. Just leave it. Oh, God, she’s in. Right, and now she’ll think I’m a total spaz if I don’t go in, too.
Aurelia	[Portuguese] Fuck! It’s cold!
Jamie	Fuck! It’s freezing! Fuck!
Aurelia	[Portuguese] This stuff had better be good.
Jamie	It’s not worth it; you know this isn’t bloody Shakespeare.
Aurelia	[Portuguese] I don’t want to drown saving some shit my grandmother could have written.
Jamie	Just stop. Stop.
Aurelia	[Portuguese] What kind of idiot doesn’t make copies?
Jamie	I really must do copies. You know, there’d better not be eels in here. I can’t stand eels.
Aurelia	[Portuguese] Try not to disturb the eels.
Jamie	Oh God, what the hell is that?

 

frenchcottage

Jamie	Thank you. Thank you so much. I know. I’ll name one of the characters after you.
Aurelia	[Portuguese] Maybe you could name one of the characters after me, or give me fifty percent of the profits.
Jamie	Or, I could give you five percent of the profits.
Aurelia	[Portuguese] What kind of book is it? [Gestures] Romance?
Jamie	Ah, ah, ah yes, it’s umm, [Makes horror film sound effects], err.
Aurelia	Ah, err, [Portuguese] thriller; crime.
Jamie	Yes. Sim. Crime. Crime; err, murder.
Aurelia	[Portuguese] Frightening? [Gasp]
Jamie	Err, scary? Err, ye-yes. Sometimes, sometimes scary, and err sometimes not. Mainly, mainly scary how bad the writing is.
Aurelia	Mm. [Portuguese] I’d better get back to work.
Jamie	Ah.
Aurelia	[Portuguese] Later, you’ll drive me home?
Jamie	Err, err, sure, sure. It’s my favourite time of day: driving you.
Aurelia	[Portuguese] It’s the saddest part of my day: leaving you.
Jamie	Sorry.

 

mark’shouse

TV	And coming up later this morning, it’s this guy [Bill sings]: the bad granddad of rock ‘n’ roll, here at ten-thirty. Do not switch off.
Juliette	Banoffee pie?
Mark	No, thanks.
Juliette	Thank God. You would’ve broken my heart if you’d said yes.
Mark	Oh right, well, lucky you.
Juliette	Can I come in?
Mark	Err, yeah, well, I’m a bit busy …
Juliette	I was just passing and I thought we might check that video thing out. I thought I might be able to swap it for some pie, or maybe … Munchies.
Mark	Actually, I was being serious. I don’t’ know where it is. I, I’ll have a look round tonight, then …
Juliette	Mark. Can I say something?
Mark	Yeah.
Juliette	I know you’re Peter’s best friend and I know you’ve never particularly warmed to me. Look, don’t, don’t argue. We’ve never got friendly. But I just wanted to say I hope that can change. I’m nice. I really am, apart from my terrible taste in pie and … It would be great if we could be friends.
Mark	Absolutely. Absolutely.
Juliette	Great.
Mark	Doesn’t mean we’ll be able to find the video, though. I had a real search when you first called and couldn’t find any trace of it, so …
Juliette	Well there’s one here that says “Peter and Juliette’s Wedding”. Do you think we might be on the right track?
Mark	Err, yeah, well … Wow! That, that could be it.
Juliette	Do you mind if I just …?
Mark	I’ve probably taped over it. Almost everything’s episodes of West Wing on it. Erm. Oh.
Juliette	Oh, bingo. That’s lovely. Well done, you. Oh, that’s gorgeous. Thank you so much, Mark; this is exactly what I was hoping for. I look quite pretty. You’ve stayed rather close, haven’t you? … They’re all of me.
Mark	Yeah. Yeah. Yes.
Juliette	But you never talk to me. You always talk to Peter. You don’t like me.
Mark	I hope it’s useful. Don’t show it around too much. Needs a bit of editing. Look, I’ve got to get to a … lunch – early lunch. You can just show yourself out, can’t you? It’s a … self-preservation thing, you see.
Music   Here With Me, by Dido	♪ Oh I am what I am. ♪ I’ll do what I want, ♪ But I can’t hide, ♪ And I won’t go; ♪ I won’t sleep; ♪ And I can’t breathe ♪ Until you’re resting here with me, ♪ And I won’t leave ♪ And I can’t hide. ♪ I cannot be ♪ Until you’re resting here, ♪ And I won’t go, ♪ And I won’t sleep, ♪ And I can’t breathe ♪ Until you’re resting here with me.

 

primeminister’soffice

David	Yeah. Annie. My darling, my dream, my boat. Ah … Need you to do a favour for me.
Annie	Of course. Anything for the hero of the hour.
David	Don’t ask me why, and for Heaven’s sake don’t read stuff into this; it’s just a weird personality thing, but, erm, you know Natalie who works here?
Annie	The chubby girl?
David	Ooh, would we call her chubby?
Annie	I think there’s a pretty sizeable arse there, yes sir. Huge thighs.
David	Yeah. Well whatever, erm … I’m sure she’s a lovely girl, but I, I wonder if you could, erm … redistribute her.
Annie	It’s done.

 

danielandsam’shouse

Daniel	Hey, Sammo. Can’t sleep?
Sam	I got some terrible news today.
Daniel	Let’s have it.
Sam	Joanna’s going back to America.
Daniel	Your girl’s American?
Sam	Yes, she’s American. She’s not my girl. And she’s going back to America. That’s the end of my life as I know it.
Daniel	That is bad news. Well, we need Kate and we need Leo, and we need them now. Come on.
TV: Jack	Hold on. Hold on. Keep your eyes closed. Do you trust me?
TV: Rose	I trust you.
Daniel	Do you trust me?
Sam	I trust you.
Daniel	Fool!
Sam	Get off, you big bully!
TV: Jack	Alright, open you eyes.
Daniel	You know, Sammy, I’m sure she’s unique and extraordinary, but general wisdom is that in the end there isn’t just one person for each of us.
Sam	There was for Kate and Leo, there was for you, and there is for me. She’s the one.
Daniel	Fair enough. And her name’s Joanna?
Sam	Yeah, I know: same as Mum.

 

drawingroom10downingstreet

David	Yeah.
Waitress	Prime Minister.
David	Thank you very much.

 

frenchcottage

Jamie

Oh, appolo, erm, appologia. [Sorry.] Grande, err, grande familio [Big family]; grande tradizione de [Big tradition of] Christmas presents. Stupido. [Stupid]

 

port

Jamie	Well, goodbye.
Aurelia	[Portuguese] Thank you.
Jamie	Erm, it was, erm …
Aurelia	[Portuguese] I will miss you, and your very slow typing, and your very bad driving.

 

musicvideo

Bill	♪ You know I love Christmas: I always will. ♪ My mind’s made up, the way that I feel. ♪ There’s no beginning; there’ll be no end, ♪ ’Cause on Christmas you can depend.

 

danielandsam’shouse

Sam	Daniel! I have a plan.
Daniel	Thank the Lord. Tell me.
Sam	Well, girls love musicians, don’t they?
Daniel	Uh-huh.
Sam	Even the really weird ones get girlfriends.
Daniel	That’s right. Meat Loaf definitely got laid at least once. For God’s sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl.

 

Sam	Whatever. There’s this big concert at the end of term and Joanna’s in it, and I thought maybe if I was in the band and played absolutely superbly, there’s a chance that she might actually fall in love with me. What do you think?
Daniel	I think it’s brilliant. I think it’s stellar, a-a-apart from the one obvious tiny little baby little hiccough.
Sam	I don’t play a musical instrument?
Daniel	Yes, sir.
Sam	A tiny, insignificant detail.

 

christmasparty

Music   Too Lost In You, by Sugababes	♪ You look into my eyes. ♪ I go out of my mind. ♪ I can’t see anything ♪ ’Cause this love’s got me blind. ♪ I can’t help myself. ♪ I can’t break the spell. ♪ I can’t even try. ♪ Baby I’m too lost in you, ♪ Caught in you, ♪ Lost in everything about you …
Karen	Well I suppose I should do the duty round.
Harry	You’re a saint.
Mia	Any chance of a dance with the boss?
Harry	Yeah, sure, sure. As long as your boyfriend doesn’t mind.
Mia	Not my boyfriend.
Harry	You’re looking very pretty tonight.
Mia	It’s for you.
Harry	Sorry?
Mia	It’s all for you, sir.

 

sittingroom10downingstreet

TV: Parky	This must be a very exciting moment for you, fighting for the Christmas number one. How’s it looking so far?
TV: Bill	Very bad, indeed. Blue are outselling me five to one, but I’m hoping for a late surge. And, if I reach number one, I promise to sing a song stark naked on TV on Christmas Eve.
TV: Parky	Would you mean that?
TV: Bill	Well of course I mean it, Michael. Do you want a preview? You old flirt.
TV: Parky	Now that’ll never make number one.

 

christmasparty

Sarah	I suppose it’s his job to dance with everyone, isn’t it?
Karen	Some more than others.
Karl	Just one dance? Before we run out of chances?
Sarah	Who? Me?
Karl	Unless you, you just …
Sarah	No! No! Good. Yes. Thanks.
Music   Turn Me On, by Norah Jones	♪ Like a flower waiting to bloom, ♪ Like a light bulb in a dark room, ♪ I’m just sitting here waiting for you ♪ To come on home and turn me on. ♪ Like the desert waiting for the rain, ♪ Like a schoolkid waiting for the spring, ♪ I’m just sitting here waiting for you ♪ To come on home and turn me on. ♪ Turn me on.

 

sarah’sflat

Karl	Well, then. I’d better go.
Sarah	OK.
Karl	Good night.
Sarah	Good night.
Karl	Actually, I don’t have to go.
Sarah	Right. Good.
Karl	I mean …
Sarah	No, no, no, no, that’s good. Just, erm, would you excuse me for one second?
Karl	Yeah, sure.
Sarah	Just one second. … Erm, OK. That’s done. Erm, why don’t you come upstairs in about ten seconds?
Karl	Ten seconds.
Sarah	Ten seconds.
Music   Songbird, by Eva Cassidy	♪ For you, there’ll be no crying. ♪ For you, the sun will be shining, ♪ ’Cause I feel that when I’m with you. ♪ It’s all right.
Sarah	Just tug it.
Karl	OK.
Music	♪ I know it’s right. ♪ And the songbirds keep singing like they know the score ♪ And I love you, I love you, I love you …
Karl	You’re beautiful.
Music	♪ Like never before. [Mobile rings]
Sarah	Hello. Hi. Hello, darling. No, no, I’m not busy. No, fire away. Right. Yes, I, I, I, I’m not quite sure it’s going to be possible to get the Pope on the phone tonight, but … Yes, yes, I, I’m sure he’s, he’s very good at exorcism, but … Well, I’m sure Jon Bon Jovi is as well and I’ll definitely look into it. OK? OK, I’ll, I’ll talk to you later. Alright. Bye-bye. [To Karl] Sorry about that.
Karl	No, it’s fine.
Sarah	It’s my brother. He’s not well; he calls a lot.
Karl	I’m sorry.
Sarah	No, it’s fine. It’s fine. I mean, it, it’s not really fine; it is what it is, and sort of there being no parents now and us being over here, it’s, it’s my job to keep an eye on him – I mean not my job, obviously, I’m, I’m glad to do it …
Karl	That’s OK. I mean life is full of interruptions and complications. So … [Mobile rings] Will it make him better?
Sarah	No.
Karl	Then maybe … don’t answer.
Sarah	Hey. How’re you doing? Mm. Right, right. Oh no, oh please. Oh, please, please, please don’t, little darling. I … Between the two of us we-we’ll find the answer and it won’t hurt any more. No, no, no, I’m-I’m-I’m-I’m not busy. I … Yeah of course, if, if you want me to come over I will. Mm-hmm? OK.

 

harryandkaren’shouse

Karen	That was a good night, except I felt fat.
Harry	Don’t be ridiculous.
Karen	It’s true. Nowadays the only clothes I can get into were once owned by Pavarotti.
Harry	I always think Pavarotti dresses very well.
Karen	Mia’s very pretty.
Harry	Is she?
Karen	You know she is, darling. Be careful there.

 

hospital

Sarah	Have you been watching stuff on TV?
Michael	Yeah, every night …
Sarah	Oh good.
Michael	and every day. … The nurses are trying to kill me.
Sarah	Nobody’s trying to kill you, babe. [To nurse] Thank you. [To Michael] Don’t do that, my darling. [To nurse] Thank you. [To Michael] Don’t do that.

 

harry’scompany

Harry	Right, I’m back at three. Christmas shopping: never an easy or a pleasant task.
Mia	Are you going to get me something?
Harry	Err, I don’t know. I hadn’t thought. Where’s Sarah, by the way?
Mia	She couldn’t make it in today. Family thing.
Harry	There’s a word for “hangover” I’ve never heard before. See you later.
Mia	Yes. Looking forward to it. A lot.

street

Harry	Are you going to give me something?
Mia	I thought I made it clear last night. When it comes to me, you can have everything.
Harry	So, erm, what do you need? Something along the stationery line? Are you short of staplers?
Mia	No. I don’t want something I need. I want something I want: something pretty.
Harry	Right. Right.
Karen	Sorry I’m late. I had to drop off Bernie at rehearsal.

 

selfridge’sdepartmentstore

Karen	Right, well listen, you keep yourself occupied for ten minutes while I go and do the boring stuff for our mothers.
Rufus	Looking for anything in particular, sir?
Harry	Yes, erm, that necklace there: how much is it?
Rufus	It’s ₤270 [two hundred and seventy pounds], sir.
Harry	Erm, alright, err, I’ll have it.
Rufus	Lovely. Would you like it … gift-wrapped?
Harry	Err, yes, alright.
Rufus	Lovely. Let me just pop it in the box. There.
Harry	Look, could we be quite quick?
Rufus	Certainly, sir. Ready in the flashiest of flashes. There.
Harry	That’s great.
Rufus	Not quite finished.
Harry	Look, look actually I don’t, I don’t need a bag; I’ll just put it in my pocket.
Rufus	Oh, this isn’t a bag, sir.
Harry	Really?
Rufus	This is so much more than a bag. Ooh!
Harry	Could we be quite quick, please?
Rufus	Prontissimo.
Harry	What’s that?
Rufus	It’s a cinnamon stick, sir.
Harry	Actually, I really, err, can’t wait.
Rufus	You won’t regret it, sir.
Harry	Want to bet?
Rufus	‘Tis but the work of a moment. There we go. Almost finished.
Harry	Almost finished? What else can there be? Are you going to dip it in yoghurt? Cover it with chocolate buttons?
Rufus	Oh no, sir. We’re going to pop it in the Christmas box.
Harry	But I don’t want a Christmas box.
Rufus	But you said you wanted it gift-wrapped, sir.
Harry	I did, but …
Rufus	This is the final flourish.
Harry	Can I just pay?
Rufus	All we need now …
Harry	Oh, God.
Rufus	is a sprig of holly.
Harry	No, no, no, no. No bloody holly.
Rufus	But sir, the …
Harry	Oh leave it, leave it, just leave it.
Karen	Ooh! Loitering around the jewellery section, I see.
Harry	No, I was just looking around, you know.
Karen	Don’t worry. My expectations are not that high after thirteen years of Mr. Oh-But-You-Always-Love-Scarves, Actually, I do love this one.

 

tony’sflat

Music	♪ I’ve got to know: where do the lonely hearts go? (All Alone On Christmas, by Darlene Love)
Colin	Hey.
Tony	What are you doing here?
Colin	Had to rent out my flat to pay for my ticket.
Tony	You’re not actually going ahead with this genuinely stupid plan?
Colin	Yeah I bloody am. You think this backpack is full of clothes? Like hell it is. It is chock-a-block full of condoms.

 

harryandkaren’shouse

Karen	Explain to me again why you’re so late.
Harry	Oh, for Heaven’s sake, woman. Can’t a man have any secrets?
Karen	Get this off. We’ve been waiting for hours; it’s the first ever preview. … It was a starry night in ancient Jerusalem, and the baby Jesus was in his manger.

 

languageschool

Student 1	Sherlock Holmes is not a real detective.
Student 2	[Russian] Is this the way to the railway station?
Student 3	I would like half pint of churly.
Student 4	I would like a one-day travel card.
Jamie	[Portuguese] Oh my God. I have a terrible stomachache. It must have been the prawns.
Student 6	Milton Keynes has many roundabouts.

 

canarywharfundergroundstation

Jamie

[Portuguese] My goodness, this is a very big fish! It tastes delicious!

harryandkaren’shouse

Music (continuing)   All Alone On Christmas, by Darlene Love	♪ Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas. ♪ All alone on Christmas. ♪ Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas. ♪ Tell me: I’ve got to know.
	Card:	Sorry I’m such a grumpy bugger. Bad Harry.
	♪ Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas. ♪ Don’t leave me alone.

 

heathrowairport

Tony	You’ll come back a broken man.
Colin	Yeah, back-broken from too much sex.
Tony	You are on the road to disaster.
Colin	No, I am on shag highway, heading west. Farewell, failure. America, watch out! Here comes Colin Frissell and he’s got a big knob.

 

milwaukeetaxi

Colin	Take me to a bar.
Driver	What kind of bar?
Colin	Just any bar. Just your average American bar.

 

bar

Barman	Can I help you?
Colin	Yes, I’d like a Budweiser, please. King of beers.
Barman	Bud coming up.
Stacey	Oh my God. Are you from England?
Colin	Yes.
Stacey	Oh, that is so cute. Hi, I’m Stacey. [Giggle] Jeannie?
Jeannie	Yeah?
Stacey	This is …
Colin	Colin … Frissell.
Jeannie	Cute name. Jeannie.
Stacey	He’s from England.
Colin	Yep. Basildon.
Jeannie	Oh.
Stacey	Oh.
Jeannie	Wait till Carol-Anne gets here. She’s crazy about English guys.
Stacey	Uh-huh.
Carol-Anne	Hey, girls.
Jeannie	Carol-Anne, come meet Colin. He’s from England.
Carol-Anne	Well step aside, ladies. This one’s on me. Hey, gorgeous.
Colin	[Growl]
Stacey	That is so funny. What, what do you call that?
Colin	Err, bottle.
Girls	[English accent] Bottle.
Carol-Anne	What about this?
Colin	Err, straw.
Girls	[English accent] Straw.
Jeannie	What about this?
Colin	Err, table.
Jeannie	Table. Oh. It’s …
Girls	the same.
Carol-Anne	Where are you staying?
Colin	I don’t actually know. I guess I just check into a motel like they do in the movies.
Stacey	Oh my God, oh my God, that is so cute.
Jeannie	No, no, no, listen. This may be a bit pushy ’cause we just met you, but why don’t you come back and sleep at our place?
Carol-Anne	Yeah.
Stacey	Yeah.
Colin	Err, well, I mean, you know, if it’s not too much of an inconvenience.
Jeannie	Hell, no.
Carol-Anne	But there’s one problem.
Colin	What?
Jeannie	Well we’re not the richest of girls, you know, so we just have a little bed and no couch, so you’d have to share with all three of us.
Carol-Anne	And on this cold, cold night it’s going to be crowded and sweaty and stuff.
Jean. & Sta.	Yeah.
Stacey	And we can’t even afford pyjamas …
Colin	No?
Jeannie	which means … we would be naked.
Colin	No, no, I think it’d be fine.
Girls	Great!
Carol-Anne	Erm, the thing that’s going to make it more crowded … Harriet. You haven’t met Harriet.
Colin	There’s a fourth one?
Girls	Yeah.
Stacey	Don’t worry; you’re totally going to like her, ’cause she is “the sexy one”.
Colin	Really?
Jeannie	Yeah.
Colin	Wow. Praise the Lord!
Jeannie	And he’s a Christian!
All	Cheers!
Music Wherever You Will Go: The Ceiling	♪ If I could, then I would. I’ll go wherever you will go. ♪ Way up high, or down low, I’ll go wherever you will go. ♪ If I could turn back time …

 

harryandkaren’shouse

Karen	One present only each tonight. Who’s got one for Dad?
Bernard	I have.
Harry	No, let Mummy go first.
Daisy	I’ll get it! I’ll get it!
Karen	No, no, no, no, no. I want to choose mine. I want to choose mine. I think I want … this one.
Harry	I have of course bought the traditional scarf as well, but this is my other, slightly special, personal one.
Karen	Thank you. That’s a real first.
Bernard	Rip it!
Daisy	What is it?
Karen	I’m going to … alright, I’ll rip it. … God, that’s a surprise.
Daisy	What is it?
Karen	It’s a CD. Joni Mitchell, wow.
Harry	To continue your emotional education.
Karen	Yes. Goodness. That’s great.
Harry	My brilliant wife.
Karen	Ah, yes. Actually, umm, do you mind if I just absent myself for a second? All that ice-cream. Err … Darling, could you make, just make sure the kids are ready to go? I’ll be back in a minute.
Harry	[To children] Alright, take it easy.
Bernard	Mine first. Mine.
Music   Both Sides Now: Joni Mitchell	♪ Moons and Junes, and Ferris wheels; ♪ The dizzy, dancing way that you feel: ♪ As every fairy tale comes real, ♪ I’ve looked at love that way. ♪ But now it’s just another show ♪ And you leave them laughing when you go, ♪ And if you care, don’t let them know: ♪ Don’t give yourself away. ♪ I’ve looked at love from both sides now: ♪ From give and take, and still somehow ♪ It’s love’s illusions that I recall. ♪ I really don’t know love. I really don’t know love at all. ♪ Tears and fears, and feeling proud; ♪ To say “I love you.” right out loud; ♪ Dreams and schemes, and circus crowds: ♪ I’ve looked at life that way. ♪ Oh, but now old friends … [continued through Karen’s speech]
Karen and Music	Oh, my God. It’s a miracle. ♪ They’re acting strange. You’re all dressed. Come on, come on, come on; we’re horribly late. Come on then. In the car, in the car. ♪ They shake their heads, and they tell him that I’ve changed. ♪ Well, something’s lost, but something’s gained. ♪ In living every day …

 

danielandsam’shouse

Daniel	Has she noticed you yet?
Sam	No, but you know the thing about romance is people only get together right at the very end.
Daniel	Of course.
Sam	By the way, I feel bad. I never ask you how your love life is going.
Daniel	Err-huh! No. As you know, that was a done deal long ago, unless, of course, Claudia Schiffer calls, in which case I want you out of the house straight away, you wee motherless mongrel.
Sam	Oh.
Daniel	No no, we’ll want to have sex in every room, including yours.

 

london

DJ	It’s a rainy Christmas Eve all over the U.K, and the big question is who is number one on the Radio One chart show tonight? Is it Blue or the unexpected Christmas sensation from Billy Mack? Well you might have guessed it, although you may not believe it. It’s Billy Mack.

 

londoncityhall

Joe	You are the champion!
Crowd	Shh.
DJ	Hi, Billy.
Bill	Hello.
DJ	We’re live across the nation and you’re number one. How will you be celebrating?
Bill	I don’t know. Err, either, I could behave like a real rock ‘n’ roll loser and get drunk with my fat manager … or, when I hang up, I’ll be flooded by invitations to a large number of glamorous parties.
DJ	Let’s hope it’s the latter, and here it is, number one from Billy Mack: it’s Christmas Is All Around.
Bill	Oh, Jesus, not that crap again!
Executive	Bill. It’s for you, babe.
Bill	Hello. Elton! O-Of course. O-Of course. Send an embarrassingly big car and I’ll be there. It’s going to be a very good Christmas.

jamie’sfamilyhome

Sister	Oh, look everyone. It’s Uncle Jamie.
Girl 1	Hi, Uncle Jamie!
Jamie	Well yes, oh, splendid. It’s lovely, it’s lovely to see you all, and err … I’m off, actually.
Mother	But, Jamie, darling.
Jamie	Sorry. Man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.
Girl 1	I hate Uncle Jamie.
Girl 2	I hate Uncle Jamie.
Boy	I hate Uncle Jamie.
Jamie	Gatwick Airport, please. Fast as you can.

 

harry’scompany

Karl	Night, Sarah.
Sarah	Night, Karl.
Karl	I erm … Merry Christmas.
Sarah	Merry Christmas. [Sarah phones Michael] Hi babe, how’s it going? Yeah. Is it all party party party down there?

 

drawingroom10downingstreet

Label

Read these – A random sample!

 

danielandsam’shouse

Daniel	Sam. Time for dinner.
Sam	I’m not hungry.
Daniel	Sam, I’ve done chicken kebabs.
Sam	Look at the sign on the door.
Daniel	Right.

 

hospital

Sarah

It’s a little long.

peterandjuliette’shouse

Juliette	I’ll get it. Oh, hi.
Peter	Who is it?
Card 1	Say it’s carol singers.
Juliette	It’s carol singers.
Peter	Well give them a quid and tell them to bugger off.
Cards 2-13 and Music	♪ Silent night, [Silent Night – Traditional Christmas Carol, sung here by Pre Teens] With any luck, by next year ♪ Holy night, I’ll be going out with one of these girls … ♪ All is calm; [Card 4 has pictures of supermodels.] ♪ All is bright. But for now let me say ♪ Round yon virgin Without hope or agenda ♪ Mother and child, ♪ Holy infant Just because it’s Christmas ♪ So tender and mild: (And at Christmas you tell the truth) ♪ Sleep in Heavenly peace. To me, you are perfect. ♪ Sleep in Heavenly peace. And my wasted heart will love you ♪ Silent night, Until you look like this … ♪ Holy night, [Card 12 has a picture of a corpse.] ♪ Shepherds quake Merry Christmas ♪ At the sight.
Juliette	[Whisper] Merry Christmas
Music   Silent Night continues	♪ Glories stream ♪ From Heaven afar. ♪ Heavenly hosts ♪ Sing alleluia. ♪ Christ the saviour is born. [Kiss] ♪ Christ the saviour is born.
Mark	Enough. Enough now.

joe’sflat

Joe	What the hell are you doing here? I mean you’re supposed to be at Elton John’s.
Bill	Yeah, well, I, I was there for a minute or two and then, then I had an epiphany.
Joe	Really?
Bill	Yeah.
Joe	Come on. Just come up. So, umm, what was this epiphany?
Bill	Erm, it wa, it was about Christmas.
Joe	You realised it was all around.
Bill	No. I re, I realised that Christmas is, is the time to be with the people you love.
Joe	Right.
Bill	And, I realised that, as dire chance and, and, and fateful cockup would have it, here I am, mid-fifties, and without knowing it I’ve gone and spent most of my adult life with a, with a chubby employee, and, and much as it grieves me to say it, it, it might be that the people I love is, in fact … you.
Joe	Well this is a surprise.
Bill	Yeah.
Joe	Ten minutes at Elton John’s, you’re as gay as a maypole?
Bill	No, look, I’m s, I’m serious here. I left Elton’s, where there were a hefty number of half-naked chicks with their mouthes open in order to hang out with you, at Christmas.
Joe	Well, Bill …
Bill	It’s a terrible, terrible mistake, Chubbs, but you turn out to be the fucking love of my life. And to be honest, despite all my complaining, we have had a wonderful life.
Joe	Well, thank you. I mean, err, come on, it’s been an honour. I feel very proud.
Bill	Oh, don’t, don’t be a moron. … Come on, let’s get pissed and watch porn.

 

drawingroom10downingstreet

Card 1	Prime Minister, Seasonal Wishes and Best Wishes for the coming year. Here’s to another prosperous year. Lord Olivier.
Card 2	Prime Minister, Seasons Greetings for Christmas and the New Year. M. Suiz. Sir Mike Suiz …
Card 3	Dear sir, Dear David, Merry Christmas and I hope you have a very happy New Year. I’m very sorry about the thing that happened. It was a very odd moment and I feel like a prize idiot, particularly because (if you can’t say it at Christmas, when can you, eh?) I’m actually yours. With love, XXX Your Natalie.
David	Jack, yeah, I need a car. Right now. Thank you. Oh, don’t wait up. I’d like to go to Wandsworth: the dodgy end.
Terry	Very good, sir.

harrisstreetwandsworthlondon

Music	♪ Your eyes tell me how you want me. ♪ I can feel it in your heartbeat. ♪ I know you like what you see.
Terry	Harris Street. What number, sir?
David	Oh, God, it’s the longest street in the world and I have absolutely no idea.

 

firstdoorharrisstreet

David	Hello. Does Natalie live here?
Old woman	No.
David	Right, fine. Thank you. Sorry to disturb.
Old woman	Here, aren’t … aren’t you the Prime Minister?
David	Err, yes, in fact I am. Merry Christmas.
Old woman	Oh.
David	Part of the service now. Trying to get round everyone by New Year’s Eve.

 

seconddoorharrisstreet

David	Ah. Hello. Err, does Natalie live here?
Girl 1	No, she doesn’t.
David	Oh dear. OK.
Girl 1	Are you singing carols?
David	Err, no. No, I’m not.
Girl 2	Please, sir. Please.
Girl 3	Please.
David	Well, I mean I suppose I could.
Girl 3	Please.
David	Alright.
Girls	[Cheer]
David	♪ Good King Wencelas last looked out on the feast of Stephen [Gavin accompanies.] ♪ When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even. ♪ Brightly shone the moon that night …

 

thirddoorharrisstreet

David	Hello. Sorry to disturb. Does Natalie live here?
Mia	No. She lives next-door.
David	Ah. Brilliant.
Mia	You’re not who I think you are, are you?
David	Yes, I’m afraid I am, and I’m sorry about all the cockups. – It’s not my fault; my cabinet are absolute crap. We hope to do better next year. Merry Christmas to you.

fourthdoorharrisstreet

David	Ah. Hello. Is, err, Natalie in?
Natalie	Oh, where the fuck is my fucking coat? Oh. Hello.
David	Hello.
Natalie	Erm, this is my mum and my dad and my Uncle Tony and my Auntie Glynne.
Glynne	Hello.
David	Very nice to meet you.
Natalie	And erm … this is the Prime Minister.
Mother	Yes, we can see that, darling.
Natalie	And, erm, unfortunately we’re very late.
Mother	It’s the school Christmas concert, you see, David. I-It’s the first time all the local schools have joined together. Even St. Basil’s …
Natalie	Too much detail, Mum.
Father	Anyway, err, how can we help, sir?
David	Well, I just needed Natalie … on some state business.
Mother	Oh.
Father	Right, yes. Of course. Right, err … Well perhaps you should err, come on later, Plumpy, err, Natalie.
David	Well listen, I don’t want to make you late for the concert.
Natalie	No, i-it’s nothing, really.
Mother	Keith’ll be very disappointed.
Natalie	No, really, it doesn’t matter.
Mother	The octopus costume’s taken me months. Eight is a lot of legs, David.
David	Mm, erm, well listen, why don’t I erm, give you a lift and then we can talk about this state business … business in the car?
Natalie	OK.
Parents	Lovely, yes.
Boy	Thank you.
Policeman	Hold tight, everybody.

 

primeminister’scar

David	How far is this place?
Natalie	Just round the corner.
David	Ah, right. Well, err … I just wanted to say, erm, thank you for the Christmas card.
Natalie	You’re welcome. Look, I’m so sorry about that day. I mean, I came into the room and he slinked towards me and there was a fire and he’s the President of the United States and nothing happened, I promise, and I just felt like such a fool because I think about you all the time, actually, and I think you’re the man that I really …
Keith	We’re here!
Natalie	[Unheard] love.
David	Oh, wow. That really was just round the corner. Err … erm … ow! Well, look, I, err … I, I’d better not come in, you know. The last thing anyone wants is some sleazy politician stealing the kids’ thunder.
Natalie	No, please come. It’ll be great.
David	No, I’d, I’d better not, but I will be very sorry to drive away from here.
Natalie	Just give me one second.
Sam	[To Daniel] No!
Natalie	Come on in. We can watch from backstage.
David	OK. Err, Terry, I won’t be long. Look, this erm, this has to be a very secret visit, OK?
Natalie	Don’t worry. This was my school. I know my way around. Come on.

 

schoolcorridor

Karen	Look, the sheep are ready already and you’re not even … Oh! David!
David	Ah! Ah! Oh. How are you? Hi, guys. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You alright?
Karen	What the hell are you doing here?
David	Well, you know, I …
Karen	Well I always tell your secretary, secretary, secretary that these things are going on, but it never occurred to me you’d actually turn up.
David	Well, I thought it was about time I, I did. Erm, I, I just didn’t want anyone to see, so I’m going to hide myself somewhere and, and watch the show. Good luck! Good luck, Daisy. Good luck, Bernie.
Karen	I have to tell you I’ve never been gladder to see my stupid big brother. Thank you.
David	Alright.
Karen	Oh, now. We haven’t been introduced.
David	Oh, right. Erm, well, this is Gavin, who’s …
Karen	Oh, hello, Gavin. Sorry.
Gavin	Hello.
David	my copper, and this is Natalie, who’s my, erm, who’s my, erm, you know, catering manager.
Karen	Oh.
Natalie	Hi.
Karen	Catering manager. Watch out he keeps his hands off you. Twenty years ago, you’d have been just his type.
Natalie	I’ll be very careful. Don’t try something, sir, just because it’s Christmas.
Karen	No, seriously. Come on. Showtime. Quickly. Umm, look, see you after, yeah?
David	Yeah, probably, yeah.
Karen	Thank you, Prime Minister.
David	It’s alright.
Natalie	Come on.
David	Right.

schoolconcert

Chorus   Catch A Falling Star	♪ Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. ♪ Save it for a rainy day. ♪ Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. ♪ Never let it fade away. ♪ Never let it fade away. ♪ Never let it fade away.
Mr Trench	Hillier School would now like to present their chosen Christmas number: err, lead vocals by ten-year-old Joanna Anderson; backing vocals coordinated by her mother, err, the great Mrs Jean Anderson. Erm, some of the staff have decided to help out, and err, for this, we ask you to forgive us. Thank you.
Joanna   All I Want For Christmas: Olivia Olson	♪ I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. ♪ I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree. ♪ I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. ♪ Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you. ♪ I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just thing I need. ♪ I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree. ♪ I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. ♪ Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you. ♪ You, baby. ♪ Oh, all the lights are shining so brightly everywhere ♪ And the sound of children’s laughter fills the air. (Laughter fills the air.) ♪ Everyone is singing (Oh yeah.) I hear some sleigh bells ringing. ♪ Santa, won’t you bring me the honey I need? Won’t you please bring my baby to me? ♪ I don’t want a lot for Christmas. This is all I’m asking for. (All I’m asking for) ♪ I just want to see my baby standing right outside my door. ♪ ’Cause I just want you for my own more than you could ever know. (You will ever know) ♪ Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you, and you, and you, and you, and you. ♪ All I want for Christmas.
David	Right. So, not quite as secret as we’d hoped.
Natalie	What do we do now?
David	Smile; little bow; and a wave.

 

afterconcert

Karen	Absolutely no idea. I mean, can you imagine? I’ll see you later, alright? I’ll speak to you. Bye. [To Harry] Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do?
Harry	What position is that?
Karen	Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and come Christmas gave it to somebody else.
Harry	Oh, Karen.
Karen	Would you wait around to find out if it …
Friend	Good night.

 

 

Karen	Night night, night night. Happy Christmas. Would you wait around to find out if it’s just a necklace, or if it’s sex and a necklace, or if, worst of all, it’s a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse, or would you cut and run?
Harry	Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. A classic fool.
Karen	Yes, but you’ve also made a fool out of me. You’ve made the life I lead foolish, too. [To children] Darling! Ooh, darlings! Oh, you were wonderful, my little lobster. You were so – What is that word? – orange. Come on. I’ve got treats at home. Dad’s coming.
Daniel	Sammy! Fantastic show! Classic drumming, son!
Sam	Thanks. Plan didn’t work, though.
Daniel	Tell her, then.
Sam	Tell her what?
Daniel	Tell her that you love her.
Sam	No way. Anyway, they fly tonight.
Daniel	Even better. Sam, you’ve got nothing to lose and you’ll always regret it if you don’t. I never told your mum enough. I should have told her every day, because she was perfect every day. You’ve seen the films, kiddo. It ain’t over till it’s over.
Sam	OK, Dad. Let’s do it. Let’s go get the shit kicked out of us by love.
Daniel	Yes.
Sam	Just give me one sec.
Daniel	Yeah. Oh, I’m sorry.
Carol	Sorry.
Daniel	That’s OK. My fault.
Carol	No no, no, really, it wasn’t. You’re Sam’s dad, aren’t you?
Daniel	Yeah: stepdad, actually. Daniel.
Carol	I’m Carol.
Daniel	Carol.
Sam	OK, I’m back. Let’s go.
Daniel	Yeah, well … I hope we’ll meet again, Karen.
Carol	Carol. I’ll make sure we do.
Daniel	Yeah? Good.
Sam	Tell her.
Daniel	What?
Sam	You know. [Kiss sound]
Daniel	Don’t be such an arse.
Sam	Look, there she is.
Daniel	Where?
Sam	Over there. Oh no.
Daniel	It’s OK. We’ll go to the airport. I know a short cut.

portuguesecommunityinfrance

Jamie	[Portuguese] Good evening. Senhor Barros?
Mr. Barros	[Portuguese] Yes.
Jamie	[Portuguese] I am here to ask your daughter for her hands in marriage.
Mr. Barros	[Portuguese] You want to marry my daughter?
Jamie	[Portuguese] Yes.
Mr. Barros	[Portuguese] [To Sophia] Come here. There is a man at the door. He wants to marry you.
Sophia	[Portuguese] But I’ve never seen him before.
Mr. Barros	[Portuguese] Who cares?
Sophia	[Portuguese] You’re going to sell me to a complete stranger?
Mr. Barros	[Portuguese] Sell? Who said sell? I’ll pay him.
Jamie	[Portuguese] Pardon me. I’m meaning your other daughter: Aurelia.
Mr. Barros	[Portuguese] She’s not here. She’s at work. I’ll take you. [To Sophia] You stay here.
Sophia	[Portuguese] As if I would. Stupid! … Father is about to sell Aurelia as a slave to this Englishman.

 

heathrowairport

Daniel	Wait, wait.
Screen	Flight Number VS003 21:45 New York (JFK) Last Call Gate 36
Daniel	Oh no.

 

portuguesecommunityinfrance

Sophia	[Portuguese] You’d better not say yes, Father.
Mr. Barros	Shut up, Miss Dunkin’ Donuts 2003.

 

heathrowairport

Daniel	Look, we’re not actually flying.
Guard	Well you can’t come through without a boarding pass.
Daniel	Not even to let the boy say goodbye to the love of his life?
Guard	No.
Daniel	I, I’m sorry, Sam.
Guard	Boarding pass, sir?
Rufus	Err, just a moment. I know I’ve got it here somewhere. Sorry, would you mind hanging onto that?
Daniel	Unless …
Sam	What?
Daniel	Do you want to make a run for it?
Rufus	If you’d hold on to that as well I’d be very grateful.
Sam	Do you think I should?
Daniel	Yeah.
Sam	OK.
Daniel	Yes!
Rufus	No, I must have left them where I was having a cup of coffee. I am sorry.
Sam	[Inaudible through glass] Joanna!

 

portuguesecommunityinfrance

Woman	[Portuguese] Apparently he is going to kill Aurelia.
Girl	[Portuguese] Cool!

 

heathrowairport

Sam	Joanna.
Joanna	Sam?
Sam	I thought you didn’t know my name.
Joanna	Course I do.
Sam	Oh, Jesus. Here, I’ve got to run.

 

portugueserestaurantinfrance

Mr. Barros	[Portuguese] Where is Aurelia?
Manager	[Portuguese] Why should I tell you?
Mr. Barros	[Portuguese] This man wants to marry her.
Manager	[Portuguese] He can’t do that. She’s our best waitress.
Jamie	[Portuguese] Good evening, Aurelia.
Aurelia	[Portuguese] Good evening, Jamie.
Jamie	[Portuguese] Beautiful Aurelia, I’ve come here with a view to asking you to marriage me. I know it seems an insane person because I hardly knows you, but sometimes things are so transparency, they don’t need evidential proof. And I will inhabit here or you can inhabit with me in England.
Sophia	[Portuguese] Definitely go for England, girl. You’ll meet Prince William – then you can marry him instead.
Mr. Barros	Shh.
Jamie	[Portuguese] Of course, I don’t expecting you to be as foolish as me, and of course I prediction you say no … but it’s Christmas and I just wanted to … check.
Sophia	[Portuguese] Oh, God. Say yes, you skinny moron.
Aurelia	[English] Thank you. That will be nice. Yes is being my answer. Easy question.
Mr. Barros	[Portuguese] What did you say?
Aurelia	[Portuguese] Yes, of course.
Waiter	Bravo!
Jamie	[English] You learned English?
Aurelia	[English] Just in cases.

heathrowairport

Music	♪ I may not always love you, [God Only Knows, by The Beach Boys] ♪ But long as there are stars above you, [Music continues through speech]
Joe	Hello, Daisy. ♪ You never need to doubt it.
Bill	This one’s Greta.
Joe	Hello, Greta. ♪ I’ll make you so sure about it.
Jamie	Well, here she is. This is Aurelia. This is Juliette. This is Peter. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. Oh, hi, hi Mark. Didn’t see you there.
Mark	Yeah, just thought I’d tag along.
Aurelia	Jamie’s friends are so good-looking. He never tells me this. ♪ If you should ever leave me, I think maybe now I have made the wrong choice: ♪ Though life would still go on, believe me, picked wrong Englishman.
Jamie	She can’t speak English properly. She, she doesn’t know what she’s saying. ♪ The world could show nothing to me,
Daisy	Dad! Dad! ♪ So what good would living do me?
Harry	Oh, God. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.
Daisy	Did you get us any presents?
Harry	As a matter of fact, I did.
Bernard	Thanks, Dad.
Harry	How are you?
Karen	I’m fine. I’m fine. Good to have you back. Come on. Home.
Sam	There she is.
Joanna	Hi.
Sam	Hello.
Daniel	Oh, he should have kissed her.
Carol	No, that’s cool. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.
Colin	Whoohoo! ♪ If you should ever leave me, Now, this is Harriet. ♪ Though life would still go on, believe me,
Harriet	Hi. Really pleased to meet you.
Tony	Hello, Harriet. ♪ The world could show nothing to me,

 

Harriet	I hope you don’t mind: I sort of brought my sister to stay. ♪ So what good would living do me? This is Carla. She’s real friendly. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.
Carla	Hello. You must be Tony. I heard you were gorgeous. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.
David	God, you weigh a lot.
Natalie	Oh, shut your face.
Music   God Only Knows continues	♪ God only knows. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you. ♪ God only knows. ♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.