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script Love actually 본문

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script Love actually

평범한삶 2018. 12. 24. 17:27
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heathrow
airport

Narrator

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s started to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. Seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there: fathers and sons; mothers and daughters; husbands and wives; boyfriends; girlfriends; old friends. When the planes hit the twin towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge; they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.

Bill

♪ I feel it in my fingers;

♪ I feel it in my toes. (I feel it in my toes, yeah.)

♪ Love is all around me (All around me)

♪ And so the fee …

Joe

I’m afraid you did it again, Bill.

Bill

[Sigh] It’s just I know the old version so well, you know.

Joe

Well, we all do. That’s why we’re making the new version.

Bill

 

Christmas Is

All Around:

Bill Nighy –

A cover of

Love Is All

Around:

Reg Presley

Right, OK. Let’s go.

♪ I feel it in my fingers; (In my fingers)

♪ I feel it in my toes. (I feel it in my toes, yeah.)

♪ Love is all arou …

Oh fuck, wank, bugger, shitting arsehead and hole. Start again.

♪ I feel it in my fingers; (In my fingers)

♪ I feel it in my toes. (I feel it in my toes, yeah.)

♪ Christmas is all around me (All around me)

♪ And so the feeling grows. (So the feeling grows.)

♪ It’s written in the wind; (In the wind)

♪ It’s everywhere I go, (Everywhere I go)

♪ So if you really love Christmas, (Love Christmas)

♪ Come on and let it snow. (Come on and let it snow.)

This is shit, isn’t it?

Joe

Yep: solid gold shit, maestro.

 

jamie’sbedroom

Jamie

God, I’m so late.

Girlfriend

It’s just round the corner; you’ll make it.

Jamie

You sure you don’t mind me going without you?

Girlfriend

No, really. I’m just feeling so rotten.

Jamie

I love you.

Girlfriend

I know.

Jamie

I love you even when you’re sick and look disgusting.

Girlfriend

I know. Now, go, or you will actually miss it.

Jamie

Right. Did I mention that I love you?

Girlfriend

Yes, you did. Get out, loser.

danielandsam’sandharryandkaren’shouses

Daniel

Karen. It, it’s me again. I’m sorry; I, I literally don’t have anyone else to talk to.

Karen

Absolutely. Horrible moment right now though. Can I call you back?

Daniel

Of course.

Karen

Doesn’t mean I’m not terribly concerned that your wife just died.

Daniel

Understood. Err, bugger off; call me later.

Karen

So what’s this big news then?

Daisy

We’ve been given our parts in the nativity play … and I’m the lobster.

Karen

The lobster?

Daisy

Yeah.

Karen

In the nativity play?

Daisy

Yeah: First Lobster.

Karen

There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?

Daisy

Duh.

 

harry’scompany

Colin

Best sandwiches in Britain. Try my lovely nuts? Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady. Morning, my future wife.

 

church

Peter

No surprises?

Mark

No surprises.

Peter

Not like the stag night?

Mark

Unlike the stag night.

Peter

Do you admit the Brazilian prostitutes were a mistake?

Mark

I do.

Peter

And it would’ve been much better if they’d not turned out to be men.

Mark

That is true. Good luck, kiddo.

 

10downingstreet

Press

Prime Minister! Prime Minister! Over here!

David

Thank you.

Annie

Welcome, Prime Minister.

David

Whoa. I must work on my wave. How are you?

Annie

How’re you feeling?

David

Erm … cool; powerful.

Annie

Would you like to meet your household staff?

David

Yes, I would like that very much indeed. Anything to put off actually running the country.

Annie

This is Terence. He’s in charge.

Terence

Good morning, sir.

 

David

Err, good morning. I had an uncle called Terence once. Hated him; I think he was a pervert, but I very much like the look of you.

Annie

This is Pat.

David

Hello, Pat.

Pat

Good morning, sir. I’m the housekeeper.

David

Oh, right. Well it should be a lot easier with me than with the last lot. No nappies; no teenagers; no scary wife.

Annie

And this is Natalie. She’s new, like you.

David

Hello, Natalie.

Natalie

Hello, David. I mean, sir. Shit, I can’t believe I’ve just said that. And now I’ve gone and said ”shit”. Twice. I’m so sorry, sir.

David

It’s fine; it’s fine. You could’ve said “fuck” and then we’d have been in real trouble.

Natalie

Thank you, sir. I did have an awful premonition I was going to fuck up on my first day. Oh, piss it.

Annie

Right. I’ll go ’n’ get my things, and then let’s fix the country, shall we?

David

Yeah, I can’t see why not.

Pat

[Whispering] It’s alright.

Natalie

[Whispering] Did you see what I did?

Pat

[Whispering] Yes, I did.

Natalie

[Whispering] I just went “Blurh”.

David

Hello there.

Annie

I’m right over here.

David

Yeah, I’m in here. OK. Good. Thank you. Ah. [Alone] Oh, no. That is so inconvenient.

 

church

Vicar

In the presence of God, Peter and Juliette have given their consent and made their marriage vows to each other. They’ve declared their marriage by the giving and receiving of rings. I therefore proclaim that they are husband and wife.

Music

♪ [The Wedding March]

Peter

And you resisted the temptation for surprises.

Mark

Yeah, I’m mature now.

Music

♪ [The Wedding March becomes La Marsellaise.]

Chorus

♪ Love, love, love. Love, love, love. Love, love, love, love. Love, love, love, love.

Juliette

Did you do this?

Peter

Err, no.

Singer

♪ There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.

Peter

Oh, it …

 

 

 

 

 

Singer

 

All You Need

Is Love:

The Beatles

♪ There’s nothing you can sing that can’t be sung.

♪ There’s nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the game.

♪ It’s easy.

♪ All you need is love; all you need is love.

♪ All you need is love, love.

♪ Love is all you need.

Peter

Look, it’s Pikey.

 

jamie’shouse

Jamie

Hello! What the hell are you doing here?

Brother

Oh, I just, err, popped over to borrow some old CDs.

Jamie

The lady of the house let you in, did she?

Brother

Err, yeah.

Jamie

Lovely, obliging girl.

Brother

Yeah.

Jamie

Oh, I, I just thought I’d pop back before the reception to see if she’s better. This is good.

Brother

Oh.

Jamie

Listen, erm, I’ve been thinking, I, I think perhaps we ought to take Mum out for her birthday on Friday. What do you think? I, I just feel we’ve been bad sons this year.

Brother

OK. Sounds fine: a bit, you know, boring, but fine.

Girlfriend

Hurry up, big boy. I’m naked and I want you at least twice before Jamie gets home.

 

weddingreception

Juliette

I am so happy to see you.

Colin

Delicious delicacy?

Mark

Err, no, thanks.

Colin

Taste explosion? Food?

Nancy

No, thanks.

Colin

Yeah, a bit dodgy, isn’t it? Looks like a dead baby’s finger. Ooh. Oh. Tastes like it, too. I’m Colin, by the way.

Nancy

I’m Nancy.

Colin

Wicked. And what do you do, Nancy?

Nancy

I’m a cook.

Colin

Ever do weddings?

Nancy

Yes, I do.

Colin

They should’ve asked you to do this one.

Nancy

They did.

Colin

God, I wish you hadn’t have turned it down.

Nancy

I didn’t.

Colin

[Embarrassed giggle] Right.


backroom

Colin

I’ve just worked out why I can never find true love.

Tony

Why’s that?

Colin

English girls. They’re stuck up, you see. And I am primarily attracted to girls who are y-you know, cooler, game for a laugh, like American girls. So, I should just go to America! I’d get a girlfriend there instantly. What do you think?

Tony

I think it’s … crap, Colin.

Colin

Nah, that’s where you’re wrong. American girls would seriously dig me with my cute British accent.

Tony

You don’t have a cute British accent.

Colin

Yes, I do! I’m going to America!

Tony

Colin, you’re a lonely, ugly arsehole. You must accept it.

Colin

Never. I am Colin, God of Sex. I’m just on the wrong continent, that’s all.

 

church

Daniel

Jo and I had err, a lot of time to prepare for this moment. Some of her err, requests, err, for instance that I should bring Claudia Schiffer as my date to the funeral, I was confident she expected me to ignore, but others she was pretty damn clear about. When she first mentioned what’s about to happen, I said “Over my dead body.” and she said “No, Daniel: over mine.” and, err, as usual, my darling girl, and Sam’s darling mum, was right. So, she’s going to say her final farewell to you, not through me, but, inevitably, ever so coolly, through the immortal genius of the Bay City Rollers.

Music

 

Bye Bye

Baby, by The

Bay City

Rollers

♪ Bye-bye baby. Baby goodbye.

♪ Goodbye baby. Baby bye-bye, ah.

♪ Bye-bye baby. Don’t make me cry.

♪ Goodbye baby. Baby bye-bye.

♪ You’re the one girl in town I’d marry.

♪ Girl, I’d marry you now if I were free.

♪ I wish it could be.

♪ I could love you, but why begin it?

♪ ’Cause there ain’t any future in it.

♪ She’s got me, but I’m not free, so …

 

weddingreception

Music

 

Same song

continues

 

♪ Bye-bye baby. Baby goodbye.

♪ Goodbye baby. Baby bye-bye, ah.

♪ Bye-bye baby. Don’t make me cry.

♪ Goodbye baby. Baby bye-bye.

♪ Wish I’d never known you …

Sarah

Do you love him?

Mark

Err, err, what?

Sarah

No, I, I just thought I’d ask the blunt question in case it was the right one and you’d needed someone to talk to about it and n-no-one had ever asked you, so you’d never been able to talk about it even though you might’ve wanted to.

Mark

No. No. No. No is, is the answer. No, a-a-a-a-absolutely not.

Sarah

So that’s a no, then?

Mark

Yes. Erm … this, this DJ: what do you reckon? The worst in history?

Sarah

Probably. I think it all hangs on the next song.

DJ

Now here’s one for the lovers. That’s quite a few of you, I shouldn’t be surprised and a half.

Music

♪ And they call it puppy love. … [Puppy Love, by S Club Juniors]

Mark

He’s done it. It’s official.

Sarah

Worst DJ in the world.

 

harry’scompany

Mia

Sarah’s waiting for you.

Harry

Oh, yes, of course, erm, great, err good, good. How’re you doing, Mia? Are you settling in fine? Learning who to avoid?

Mia

Absolutely.

Sarah

Harry?

Harry

Sarah, switch off you phone and, err, tell me exactly how long it is that you’ve been working here.

Sarah

Two years, seven months, three days and I suppose, what, two hours?

Harry

And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?

Sarah

Umm, two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and thirty minutes.

Harry

Thought as much.

Sarah

Do you think everybody knows?

Harry

Yes.

Sarah

Do you think Karl knows?

Harry

Yes.

Sarah

Oh, that is, that is bad news.

Harry

Well I just thought that maybe the time had come to do something about it.

Sarah

Like what?

Harry

Invite him out for a drink and then, after about twenty minutes, casually drop into the conversation the fact that you’d like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.

Sarah

You know that?

Harry

Yes … and so does Karl. Think about it, for all our sakes. It’s Christmas.

Sarah

Certainly. Excellent. Will do. Thanks, boss.

Karl

Hi, Sarah.

Sarah

Hi, Karl.

Karl

Excuse me.

Radio

♪ Christmas is All Around [Sarah’s mobile phone rings]

Sarah

Babe. Absolutely. Fire away. Mia, Mia, would you turn that down? What is that?


radiostudio

DJ

That was the Christmas effort from the once great Billy Mack. Oh dear me, how are the mighty fallen. I can safely put my hand on my arse and say that is the worst record I’ve heard this century. … Oh, and coincidentally, I believe Billy will be a guest on my friend Mike’s show in a few minutes’ time. Welcome back, Bill.

Mike

So, Billy, welcome back to the airwaves. New Christmas single: cover of Love Is All Around.

Bill

Except we’ve changed the word “love” to “Christmas”.

Mike

Yes, err, is that an important message to you, Bill?

Bill

Not really, Mike. Christmas is a time for people with someone they love in their lives.

Mike

And that’s not you?

Bill

That’s not me, Michael. When I was young and successful, I was greedy and foolish, and now I’m left with no-one, wrinkled and alone.

Mike

Wow. Thanks for that, Bill.

Bill

For what?

Mike

Well for actually giving a real answer to a question. It doesn’t often happen here at Radio Watford, I can tell you.

Bill

Ask me anything you like: I’ll tell you the truth.

Mike

The best shag you ever had.

Bill

Britney Spears.

Mike

Wow.

Bill

No, only kidding. She was rubbish!

Mike

OK, erm, here’s one. How do you think the new record compares to your old, classic stuff?

Bill

Oh come on, Mikey; you know as well as I do the record’s crap. But wouldn’t it be great if number one this Christmas wasn’t some smug teenager, but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price? All those young popsters come Christmas Day, they’ll be stretched out naked with a cute bird balancing on their balls and I’ll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager, Joe – ugliest man in the world – fucking miserable because our fucking gamble didn’t pay off. So, if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record and particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment when we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.

Mike

I think you’re referring to err, “If you really love Christmas …”

Bill

“Come on and let it snow.” Ouch.

Mike

So, err, here it is one more time – the dark horse for this year’s Christmas number one – Christmas Is All Around. Thank you, Billy. After this, the news. Is the new Prime Minister in trouble already?


cabinetroom10downingstreet

David

OK, what’s next?

Alex

The President’s visit.

David

Ah, yes, yes. I fear this is going to be a difficult one to play. Alex.

Alex

There’s a very strong feeling in the party we mustn’t allow ourselves to be bullied from pillar to post like the last government.

All

Here, here.

Minister

This is our first really important test. Let’s take a stand.

David

Right, right. I understand that, but I have decided … not to. Not this time. We will, of course, try to be clever, but let’s not forget that America is the most powerful country in the world. I’m not going to act like a petulant child. Right, who do you have to screw round here to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit? Right.

 

primeminister’soffice

David

Yeah, come in.

Natalie

These’ve just come through from the treasury …

David

Uh-huh.

Natalie

and these are for you.

David

Excellent. Thanks a lot.

Natalie

Umm, I was hoping you’d win. Not that I wouldn’t have been nice to the other bloke, too; just always given him the boring biscuits with no chocolate.

David

Ha! Thanks very much, Thanks … Natalie. [Alone] God, come on; get a grip. You’re the Prime Minister, for God’s sake.

 

deliveryvan

Colin

Exciting news!

Tony

What?

Colin

I’ve bought a ticket to the States. I’m off in three weeks.

Tony

No!

Colin

Yes! To a fantastic place called Wisconsin.

Tony

No!

Colin

Yes! Wisconsin babes, here comes Sir Colin! Whoo-hoo!

Tony

No, Col! There are a few babes in America, I grant you, but they’re already going out with rich, attractive guys.

Colin

Now Tone, you’re just jealous. You know perfectly well that any bar anywhere in America contains ten girls more beautiful and more likely to have sex with me than the whole of the United Kingdom.

Tony

That is total bollocks. You’ve actually gone mad, now.

Colin

No, I’m wise. Stateside, I am Prince William without the weird family.

Tony

No, Colin. No!

Colin

Yes!

Tony

Nyet!

Colin

Da!

Tony

Nein!

Colin

Ja, darling!

 

harry’scompany

Harry

Right, the Christmas party: not my favourite night of the year, and your unhappy job to organise.

Mia

Tell me.

Harry

It’s basic, really. Find a venue, over-order on the drinks, bulk-buy the guacamole, and advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts unfondled.

Mia

Wives and family and stuff?

Harry

Yeah, I mean not children, but their wives and girlfriends, et cetera. Oh Christ, you haven’t got some horrible six-foot, tight t-shirt-wearing boyfriend you’ll be bringing, have you?

Mia

No, I’ll just be hanging around the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.

Harry

Really? Right.

 

danielandsam’shouse

Daniel

He now spends all the time in his room. I mean, he’ll be up there now.

Karen

There’s nothing unusual about that. My horrid son –

Daniel

Bernard.

Karen

Bernard – stays in his room all the time … thank goodness.

Daniel

Yeah, but Karen this is ALL the time. I’m afraid that there’s something really wrong, you know? I mean, clearly it’s about his mum, but Christ, he, he might be injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all I know.

Karen

At the age of eleven?

Daniel

Well, maybe not his eyeballs, then. Maybe just his veins. You see the problem is it was his mum who always used to talk to him, you know and, I don’t know, this stepfather thing seems some, suddenly to somehow matter, like it never did before.

Karen

Listen, it was always going to be a totally shit time. Just be patient, and maybe check the room for needles.

Daniel

And then when he sometimes does come out, it’s, it’s obvious he’s been crying. [Crying] It’s just such a ridiculous waste. And now if it’s going to ruin Sam’s life as well, I just don’t know.

Karen

Get a grip. People hate sissies. No-one’s ever going to shag you if you cry all the time.

Daniel

Yeah. Absolutely. Helpful.


riverthames

Daniel

So, what’s the problem, Samuel? Is it just Mum, or is it something else, huh? Maybe school? Are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Give me any clues, you know.

Sam

You really want to know?

Daniel

I really want to know.

Sam

Even though you won’t be able to do anything to help.

Daniel

Even if that’s the case, yeah.

Sam

OK, well, the truth is, actually, I’m in love.

Daniel

Sorry?

Sam

I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time and I am, but the truth is I’m in love, and I was before she died and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Daniel

Aren’t you a bit young to be in love?

Sam

No.

Daniel

Ah, well, OK, well, well, I, I’m a little relieved.

Sam

Why?

Daniel

Well because I thought it would be something worse.

Sam

Worse than the total agony of being in love?

Daniel

Err, no, you’re right. Yeah, total agony.

 

harry’scompany

Karl

Good night, Sarah.

Sarah

Night, Karl. [Mobile rings] Yeah, absolutely. Free as a bird. Fire away.

 

frenchcottage

Jamie

Alone again. Naturally.

 

primeminister’soffice

Minister

I’ll deal with it now.

David

Right. Ah, Natalie.

Natalie

Sir.

David.

Thanks. Natalie! Erm, I’m starting to feel uncomfortable about us working in such close proximity every day and me knowing so little about you. It seems, erm, it seems elitist and wrong.

Natalie

Well, there’s not much to know.

David

Well, erm, where do you live, for instance?

Natalie

Wandsworth: the dodgy end.

David

Ah, my sister lives in Wandsworth.

Natalie

Oh.

David

Yeah. So which exactly is the dodgy end?

Natalie

Right at the end of the High Street: Harris Street, near the Queen’s Head.

David

Ooh yeah, yeah. That is dodgy.

Natalie

Hmm.

David

Erm, and err, you live with you husband? Err, boyfriend? Three illegitimate but charming children?

Natalie

No, I’ve erm, I’ve just split up with my boyfriend actually, so I’m back with my mum and dad for a while.

David

Ah. Sorry.

Natalie

No, it’s fine. I’m well shot of him. He said I was getting fat.

David

I beg your pardon.

Natalie

He said no-one’s going to fancy a girl with thighs the size of big tree trunks. Not a nice guy, actually, in the end.

David

No. … You know, erm, being Prime Minister, I could just have him murdered.

Natalie

Thank you, sir. I’ll think about it.

David

Do. The S.A.S. are absolutely charming. Ruthless, trained killers are just a phone call away. [Alone] Oh God. Did you have this kind of problem? Yeah, of course you did, you saucy minx.

 

danielandsam’slivingroom

Daniel

So, let’s go. We can definitely crack this. Remember, I was a kid once, too. So, come on. It’s someone at school. Right?

Sam

Yeah.

Daniel

Uh-huh. Good, good. And what does she, he, feel about you?

Sam

SHE doesn’t even know my name, and even if she did she’d despise me. She’s the coolest girl in school, and everyone worships her because she’s Heaven.

Daniel

Good. Good. Well, basically you’re fucked, aren’t you?

 

tvstudio

Music

♪ All I Want For Christmas Is You, by Tessa Niles

Ant

Hi there and welcome back. So, Billy, three weeks till Christmas: looks like the big competition is going to be Blue.

Bill

Yeah. I, I saw them on the show last week. They weren’t very nice about my record.

Dec

No. Little scamps!

Bill

But very, very talented musicians.

Dec

Yeah.

Ant

Erm, Billy, I understand you’ve got a prize for our competition winners.

Bill

Yes, I have, Ant or Dec. It’s a, It’s a personalised felt tip pen!

Dec

Oh, great.

Bill

It’s brilliant. It ev, it even writes on glass, so if you, if you’ve got a framed picture, like, for instance, this one of Blue, you, you can just write on it. [Writes “We’ve got little pricks.”]

Dec

Err, a lot of kids watching, Billy.

Bill

Oh, yeah. Hiya kids. Here’s an important message from your Uncle Bill. – Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star and they give you them for free.

Dec

And I do believe, err, it’s a commercial break. Thank goodness. We’ll see you soon. Bye-bye.


gallery

Girl

Look at him. Urgh!

Mark

Just a minute. Actually, they’re not funny; they’re art.

Girls

[Laugh]

Mark

OK, let’s say err, Thursday, my place?

Peter

Great, but for now I’ve got Juliette on the other line. Can I patch you through? She wants to ask you a favour.

Mark

[Sigh] OK, fine.

Peter

Thanks, and, err, be nice.

Mark

I, I’m always nice.

Peter

You know what I mean, Marky: be friendly.

Mark

I’m always …

Juliette

Mark?

Mark

Hi. How was the honeymoon?

Juliette

Oh, it was great, and thanks for the gorgeous sendoff.

Mark

So, what can I do for you?

Juliette

It’s only a tiny favour. I’ve just tried the wedding video and it’s a complete disaster. It’s come out all blue and wibbly.

Mark

I’m sorry.

Juliette

I remember you filming a lot on the day and I just wondered if I could look at your stuff.

Mark

Ah no look, to be honest, I didn’t really, you know.

Juliette

Please. All I want is just one shot of me in a wedding dress that isn’t bright turquoise.

Mark

OK, I’ll have a look, but to be honest I’m pretty sure I wiped it, so don’t get any hopes up. Must go.

 

harry’scompany

Harry

Any progress with our matchmaking plans?

Sarah

No. I’ve done fuck all and never will because he’s too good for me.

Harry

How true. Ouch.

Sarah

Stop. [Mobile rings]

Harry

And of course, your mobile goes.

Sarah

Hello? Hi. How’re you doing?

Harry

So, err, how’s the Christmas party going?

Mia

Good. Think I’ve found a venue. Friend of mine works there.

Harry

What’s it like?

Mia

Good. Good. It’s an art gallery, full of dark corners for doing dark deeds.

Harry

Oh. Right. Good, well, I suppose I should take a look at it or something.

Mia

You should.


frenchcottage

Jamie

Ah, bonjour, Eleonore.

Eleonore

Bonjour, Monsieur Bennett. Welcome back. And this year you bring a lady guest?

Jamie

Err, no. There’s a change of situation. Just me.

Eleonore

Oh, am I sad or not sad?

Jamie

Well I, I think you’re not surprised.

Eleonore

And you stay here till Christmas?

Jamie

Yeah, yeah.

Eleonore

Good. Well, I find you a perfect lady to clean the house. This is Aurelia.

Jamie

Ah, err, bonjour, Aurelia.

Aurelia

Bonjour.

Jamie

Err, je suis, err, très heureux de vous avoir ici. [English: I am very happy for you have here.]

Eleonore

Unfortunately, she cannot speak French, just like you. She’s Portuguese.

Jamie

Ah, ah, buongiorno. [Italian for “Hello”] Eusebio, err, err, er,, molto bueno …

Eleonore

I think she’s ten years too young to remember about a footballer called Eusebio, and “molto bueno” is Spanish.

Jamie

Right. Err, anyway, it’s nice to meet you, and …

Eleonore

Perhaps you can drive her home at the end of her work.

Jamie

Oh absolutely, yes. Err, con, con grande, err, pl-plesura. [With great pleasure.]

Eleonore

Which is what? Turkish?

 

jamie’scar

Jamie

Bello. Err, bella. [Pretty] Err, mon, montagno; arvarez [Mountains, trees] … No, right. Silence is golden, as the Tremeloes said. Clever guys, erm, although I, I think the original version wa-was by erm, Frankie Vallie and the Four Seasons. Gre- gre- great band. [♪ Silence is Golden tune] Oh shut up.

 

10downingstreet

Press

Mr President! Over here, sir! What will you be talking about?

David

Mr President, welcome.

President

It’s a pleasure to meet you.

David

Come on through. I’m sorry your wife couldn’t make it, by the way.

President

Oh, so is she, although she would have been kind of lonely, I’m sure.

David

Yes, pathetic, isn’t it? Just err, never been able to tie a girl down. Not sure that politics and dating really go together.

President

Really? I’ve never found that.

David

Yeah, well the difference is you’re still sickeningly handsome, whereas I look increasingly like my Aunt Mildred. Very jealous of your plane, by the way.

President

Oh thank you. We love that thing, I’ll tell you.

David

Ah! Ah, Natalie. Hi.

President

Morning, ma’am. How’s your day so far?

Natalie

[Giggle]

President

Excellent. [Sigh] My goodness, that’s a pretty little son of a bitch right there. Did you see those pipes?

David

Yeah, yeah, she’s terrific … at her job.

 

meetingroom10downingstreet

US Delegate

No, absolutely not. We cannot and will not consult on that, either.

Alex

That is unexpected.

President

Well it shouldn’t be. The last administration made it perfectly clear. We’re just being consistent with their policies.

Alex

Well with all respect, sir, they were bad policies.

David

Right, thanks, Alex. I don’t think we’re making progress here. Let’s, erm … move on, shall we?

 

sittingroom10downingstreet

David

Well, now, that was, err, an interesting day.

President

Sorry if our line was firm, but there’s no point in tiptoeing around today and then just disappointing you for four years. I mean I have plans and I, I plan to see them through.

David

Absolutely. Now there is one final thing I think we should look at; it’s very close to my heart. If you just give me a second.

President

I’ll give you anything you ask for, as long as it’s not something I don’t want to give.

David

[To Natalie] Hi. [Alone] Pathetic.

President

It’s great Scotch.

Natalie

I’ll erm, I’ll be going then.

President

Err Natalie, I hope to see much more of you as our two great countries work toward a better future.

Natalie

Thank you, sir.

 

pressconference10downingstreet

David

Err, yes, Peter.

Peter

Err, Mr President, err, has it been a good visit?

President

Very satisfactory indeed. We err, got what we came for, and our special relationship is still very special.

Peter

Erm, Prime Minister?

David

I love that word “relationship”. Covers all manner of sins, doesn’t it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship: a relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants, and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to erm … Britain. We may be a small country, but we’re a great one, too – a country of Shakespeare; Churchill; The Beatles; Sean Connery; Harry Potter; David Beckham’s right foot; David Beckham’s left foot, come to that – and a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend, and since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be much stronger, and the President should be prepared for that.

Journalist

Mr President! Mr President!

David

Joe.


afterpressconference

Mary

It’s your sister on line four.

David

Alright. Err, yes, I’m very busy and important; how can I help you?

Karen

Have you gone completely insane?

David

Well you can’t be sensible all the time.

Karen

You can if you’re Prime Minister.

David

Oh dear, it’s the Chancellor of the Exchequor on the other line.

Karen

No, it isn’t.

David

I’ll call you back.

Karen

No, you won’t! You … [To Harry] The trouble with being the Prime Minister’s sister is that it does put your life into rather harsh perspective. What did my brother do today? He stood up and fought for his country, and what did I do? I made a papier-mâché lobster head.

Harry

What is this we’re listening to?

Karen

Joni Mitchell.

Harry

I can’t believe you still listen to Joni Mitchell.

Karen

I love her, and true love lasts a lifetime. Joni Mitchell is the woman who taught your cold English wife how to feel.

Harry

Did she? Oh, well, that’s good. I must write to her some time and say thanks.

Karen

Now which doll should we give Daisy’s little friend Emily: the one that looks like a transvestite, or the one that looks like a dominatrix?

 

primeminister’sbedroom

DJ

It’s almost enough to make you feel patriotic, so here’s one for our arse-kicking Prime Minister. I think he’ll enjoy this: a golden oldie for a golden oldie.

Music

 

Jump, by the Pointer Sisters

♪ Hold me.

♪ I’ll give you all that you need.

♪ Wrap your love around me.

♪ You’re so excited;

♪ I can feel you getting hotter.

♪ Oh baby.

♪ I’ll take you down; I’ll take you down

♪ Where no-one’s ever gone before

♪ And if you want more,

♪ If you want more, more, more, then

♪ Jump for my love.

♪ Jump in and feel my touch.

♪ Jump. If you want to taste my kisses in the night, then

♪ Jump for my love.

♪ I’ll take you down; I’ll take you down

♪ Where no-one’s ever gone …

 

 

David

Yeah, erm, Mary, I’ve been thinking. Can we move the Japanese Ambassador to four o’clock tomorrow?

Mary

Certainly, sir.

David

Terrific. Thanks so much.

 

frenchcottage

Jamie

Erm, would you like the last err …?

Aurelia

[Portuguese] Thank you very much, but no. If you saw my sister, you’d understand why.

Jamie

That’s alright. More for me.

Aurelia

[Portuguese] Just don’t go eating it all yourself. You’re getting chubbier every day.

Jamie

I’m very lucky; I’ve got one of those constitutions where I never put on weight. [Phone rings] Hello? Oop! Sorry. Hello?

 

outsidefrenchcottage

Jamie

Thank you.

Aurelia

Não! Eu peço imensa desculpa.

Jamie

Oh no. Hold on. Oh, God, it’s half the book.

Aurelia

Que desastre. [English: What a disaster.]

Jamie

Oh no, just, just leave them. Please! They’re not important. They’re they’re not worth it! Err, stop! Stop. Aa-ahh! It’s all just rubbish. Just leave it. Oh, God, she’s in. Right, and now she’ll think I’m a total spaz if I don’t go in, too.

Aurelia

[Portuguese] Fuck! It’s cold!

Jamie

Fuck! It’s freezing! Fuck!

Aurelia

[Portuguese] This stuff had better be good.

Jamie

It’s not worth it; you know this isn’t bloody Shakespeare.

Aurelia

[Portuguese] I don’t want to drown saving some shit my grandmother could have written.

Jamie

Just stop. Stop.

Aurelia

[Portuguese] What kind of idiot doesn’t make copies?

Jamie

I really must do copies. You know, there’d better not be eels in here. I can’t stand eels.

Aurelia

[Portuguese] Try not to disturb the eels.

Jamie

Oh God, what the hell is that?

 

frenchcottage

Jamie

Thank you. Thank you so much. I know. I’ll name one of the characters after you.

Aurelia

[Portuguese] Maybe you could name one of the characters after me, or give me fifty percent of the profits.

Jamie

Or, I could give you five percent of the profits.

Aurelia

[Portuguese] What kind of book is it? [Gestures] Romance?

Jamie

Ah, ah, ah yes, it’s umm, [Makes horror film sound effects], err.

Aurelia

Ah, err, [Portuguese] thriller; crime.

Jamie

Yes. Sim. Crime. Crime; err, murder.

Aurelia

[Portuguese] Frightening? [Gasp]

Jamie

Err, scary? Err, ye-yes. Sometimes, sometimes scary, and err sometimes not. Mainly, mainly scary how bad the writing is.

Aurelia

Mm. [Portuguese] I’d better get back to work.

Jamie

Ah.

Aurelia

[Portuguese] Later, you’ll drive me home?

Jamie

Err, err, sure, sure. It’s my favourite time of day: driving you.

Aurelia

[Portuguese] It’s the saddest part of my day: leaving you.

Jamie

Sorry.

 

mark’shouse

TV

And coming up later this morning, it’s this guy [Bill sings]: the bad granddad of rock ‘n’ roll, here at ten-thirty. Do not switch off.

Juliette

Banoffee pie?

Mark

No, thanks.

Juliette

Thank God. You would’ve broken my heart if you’d said yes.

Mark

Oh right, well, lucky you.

Juliette

Can I come in?

Mark

Err, yeah, well, I’m a bit busy …

Juliette

I was just passing and I thought we might check that video thing out. I thought I might be able to swap it for some pie, or maybe … Munchies.

Mark

Actually, I was being serious. I don’t’ know where it is. I, I’ll have a look round tonight, then …

Juliette

Mark. Can I say something?

Mark

Yeah.

Juliette

I know you’re Peter’s best friend and I know you’ve never particularly warmed to me. Look, don’t, don’t argue. We’ve never got friendly. But I just wanted to say I hope that can change. I’m nice. I really am, apart from my terrible taste in pie and … It would be great if we could be friends.

Mark

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Juliette

Great.

Mark

Doesn’t mean we’ll be able to find the video, though. I had a real search when you first called and couldn’t find any trace of it, so …

Juliette

Well there’s one here that says “Peter and Juliette’s Wedding”. Do you think we might be on the right track?

Mark

Err, yeah, well … Wow! That, that could be it.

Juliette

Do you mind if I just …?

Mark

I’ve probably taped over it. Almost everything’s episodes of West Wing on it. Erm. Oh.

Juliette

Oh, bingo. That’s lovely. Well done, you. Oh, that’s gorgeous. Thank you so much, Mark; this is exactly what I was hoping for. I look quite pretty. You’ve stayed rather close, haven’t you? … They’re all of me.

Mark

Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

Juliette

But you never talk to me. You always talk to Peter. You don’t like me.

Mark

I hope it’s useful. Don’t show it around too much. Needs a bit of editing. Look, I’ve got to get to a … lunch – early lunch. You can just show yourself out, can’t you? It’s a … self-preservation thing, you see.

Music

 

Here With

Me, by Dido

♪ Oh I am what I am.

♪ I’ll do what I want,

♪ But I can’t hide,

♪ And I won’t go;

♪ I won’t sleep;

♪ And I can’t breathe

♪ Until you’re resting here with me,

♪ And I won’t leave

♪ And I can’t hide.

♪ I cannot be

♪ Until you’re resting here,

♪ And I won’t go,

♪ And I won’t sleep,

♪ And I can’t breathe

♪ Until you’re resting here with me.

 

primeminister’soffice

David

Yeah. Annie. My darling, my dream, my boat. Ah … Need you to do a favour for me.

Annie

Of course. Anything for the hero of the hour.

David

Don’t ask me why, and for Heaven’s sake don’t read stuff into this; it’s just a weird personality thing, but, erm, you know Natalie who works here?

Annie

The chubby girl?

David

Ooh, would we call her chubby?

Annie

I think there’s a pretty sizeable arse there, yes sir. Huge thighs.

David

Yeah. Well whatever, erm … I’m sure she’s a lovely girl, but I, I wonder if you could, erm … redistribute her.

Annie

It’s done.

 

danielandsam’shouse

Daniel

Hey, Sammo. Can’t sleep?

Sam

I got some terrible news today.

Daniel

Let’s have it.

Sam

Joanna’s going back to America.

Daniel

Your girl’s American?

Sam

Yes, she’s American. She’s not my girl. And she’s going back to America. That’s the end of my life as I know it.

Daniel

That is bad news. Well, we need Kate and we need Leo, and we need them now. Come on.

TV: Jack

Hold on. Hold on. Keep your eyes closed. Do you trust me?

TV: Rose

I trust you.

Daniel

Do you trust me?

Sam

I trust you.

Daniel

Fool!

Sam

Get off, you big bully!

TV: Jack

Alright, open you eyes.

Daniel

You know, Sammy, I’m sure she’s unique and extraordinary, but general wisdom is that in the end there isn’t just one person for each of us.

Sam

There was for Kate and Leo, there was for you, and there is for me. She’s the one.

Daniel

Fair enough. And her name’s Joanna?

Sam

Yeah, I know: same as Mum.

 

drawingroom10downingstreet

David

Yeah.

Waitress

Prime Minister.

David

Thank you very much.

 

frenchcottage

Jamie

Oh, appolo, erm, appologia. [Sorry.] Grande, err, grande familio [Big family]; grande tradizione de [Big tradition of] Christmas presents. Stupido. [Stupid]

 

port

Jamie

Well, goodbye.

Aurelia

[Portuguese] Thank you.

Jamie

Erm, it was, erm …

Aurelia

[Portuguese] I will miss you, and your very slow typing, and your very bad driving.

 

musicvideo

Bill

♪ You know I love Christmas: I always will.

♪ My mind’s made up, the way that I feel.

♪ There’s no beginning; there’ll be no end,

♪ ’Cause on Christmas you can depend.

 

danielandsam’shouse

Sam

Daniel! I have a plan.

Daniel

Thank the Lord. Tell me.

Sam

Well, girls love musicians, don’t they?

Daniel

Uh-huh.

Sam

Even the really weird ones get girlfriends.

Daniel

That’s right. Meat Loaf definitely got laid at least once. For God’s sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl.

 

Sam

Whatever. There’s this big concert at the end of term and Joanna’s in it, and I thought maybe if I was in the band and played absolutely superbly, there’s a chance that she might actually fall in love with me. What do you think?

Daniel

I think it’s brilliant. I think it’s stellar, a-a-apart from the one obvious tiny little baby little hiccough.

Sam

I don’t play a musical instrument?

Daniel

Yes, sir.

Sam

A tiny, insignificant detail.

 

christmasparty

Music

 

Too Lost In

You, by

Sugababes

♪ You look into my eyes.

♪ I go out of my mind.

♪ I can’t see anything

♪ ’Cause this love’s got me blind.

♪ I can’t help myself.

♪ I can’t break the spell.

♪ I can’t even try.

♪ Baby I’m too lost in you,

♪ Caught in you,

♪ Lost in everything about you …

Karen

Well I suppose I should do the duty round.

Harry

You’re a saint.

Mia

Any chance of a dance with the boss?

Harry

Yeah, sure, sure. As long as your boyfriend doesn’t mind.

Mia

Not my boyfriend.

Harry

You’re looking very pretty tonight.

Mia

It’s for you.

Harry

Sorry?

Mia

It’s all for you, sir.

 

sittingroom10downingstreet

TV: Parky

This must be a very exciting moment for you, fighting for the Christmas number one. How’s it looking so far?

TV: Bill

Very bad, indeed. Blue are outselling me five to one, but I’m hoping for a late surge. And, if I reach number one, I promise to sing a song stark naked on TV on Christmas Eve.

TV: Parky

Would you mean that?

TV: Bill

Well of course I mean it, Michael. Do you want a preview? You old flirt.

TV: Parky

Now that’ll never make number one.

 

christmasparty

Sarah

I suppose it’s his job to dance with everyone, isn’t it?

Karen

Some more than others.

Karl

Just one dance? Before we run out of chances?

Sarah

Who? Me?

Karl

Unless you, you just …

Sarah

No! No! Good. Yes. Thanks.

Music

 

Turn Me On,

by Norah

Jones

♪ Like a flower waiting to bloom,

♪ Like a light bulb in a dark room,

♪ I’m just sitting here waiting for you

♪ To come on home and turn me on.

♪ Like the desert waiting for the rain,

♪ Like a schoolkid waiting for the spring,

♪ I’m just sitting here waiting for you

♪ To come on home and turn me on.

♪ Turn me on.

 

sarah’sflat

Karl

Well, then. I’d better go.

Sarah

OK.

Karl

Good night.

Sarah

Good night.

Karl

Actually, I don’t have to go.

Sarah

Right. Good.

Karl

I mean …

Sarah

No, no, no, no, that’s good. Just, erm, would you excuse me for one second?

Karl

Yeah, sure.

Sarah

Just one second. … Erm, OK. That’s done. Erm, why don’t you come upstairs in about ten seconds?

Karl

Ten seconds.

Sarah

Ten seconds.

Music

 

Songbird, by

Eva Cassidy

♪ For you, there’ll be no crying.

♪ For you, the sun will be shining,

♪ ’Cause I feel that when I’m with you.

♪ It’s all right.

Sarah

Just tug it.

Karl

OK.

Music

♪ I know it’s right.

♪ And the songbirds keep singing like they know the score

♪ And I love you, I love you, I love you …

Karl

You’re beautiful.

Music

♪ Like never before. [Mobile rings]

Sarah

Hello. Hi. Hello, darling. No, no, I’m not busy. No, fire away. Right. Yes, I, I, I, I’m not quite sure it’s going to be possible to get the Pope on the phone tonight, but … Yes, yes, I, I’m sure he’s, he’s very good at exorcism, but … Well, I’m sure Jon Bon Jovi is as well and I’ll definitely look into it. OK? OK, I’ll, I’ll talk to you later. Alright. Bye-bye. [To Karl] Sorry about that.

Karl

No, it’s fine.

Sarah

It’s my brother. He’s not well; he calls a lot.

Karl

I’m sorry.

Sarah

No, it’s fine. It’s fine. I mean, it, it’s not really fine; it is what it is, and sort of there being no parents now and us being over here, it’s, it’s my job to keep an eye on him – I mean not my job, obviously, I’m, I’m glad to do it …

Karl

That’s OK. I mean life is full of interruptions and complications. So … [Mobile rings] Will it make him better?

Sarah

No.

Karl

Then maybe … don’t answer.

Sarah

Hey. How’re you doing? Mm. Right, right. Oh no, oh please. Oh, please, please, please don’t, little darling. I … Between the two of us we-we’ll find the answer and it won’t hurt any more. No, no, no, I’m-I’m-I’m-I’m not busy. I … Yeah of course, if, if you want me to come over I will. Mm-hmm? OK.

 

harryandkaren’shouse

Karen

That was a good night, except I felt fat.

Harry

Don’t be ridiculous.

Karen

It’s true. Nowadays the only clothes I can get into were once owned by Pavarotti.

Harry

I always think Pavarotti dresses very well.

Karen

Mia’s very pretty.

Harry

Is she?

Karen

You know she is, darling. Be careful there.

 

hospital

Sarah

Have you been watching stuff on TV?

Michael

Yeah, every night …

Sarah

Oh good.

Michael

and every day. … The nurses are trying to kill me.

Sarah

Nobody’s trying to kill you, babe. [To nurse] Thank you. [To Michael] Don’t do that, my darling. [To nurse] Thank you. [To Michael] Don’t do that.

 

harry’scompany

Harry

Right, I’m back at three. Christmas shopping: never an easy or a pleasant task.

Mia

Are you going to get me something?

Harry

Err, I don’t know. I hadn’t thought. Where’s Sarah, by the way?

Mia

She couldn’t make it in today. Family thing.

Harry

There’s a word for “hangover” I’ve never heard before. See you later.

Mia

Yes. Looking forward to it. A lot.


street

Harry

Are you going to give me something?

Mia

I thought I made it clear last night. When it comes to me, you can have everything.

Harry

So, erm, what do you need? Something along the stationery line? Are you short of staplers?

Mia

No. I don’t want something I need. I want something I want: something pretty.

Harry

Right. Right.

Karen

Sorry I’m late. I had to drop off Bernie at rehearsal.

 

selfridge’sdepartmentstore

Karen

Right, well listen, you keep yourself occupied for ten minutes while I go and do the boring stuff for our mothers.

Rufus

Looking for anything in particular, sir?

Harry

Yes, erm, that necklace there: how much is it?

Rufus

It’s ₤270 [two hundred and seventy pounds], sir.

Harry

Erm, alright, err, I’ll have it.

Rufus

Lovely. Would you like it … gift-wrapped?

Harry

Err, yes, alright.

Rufus

Lovely. Let me just pop it in the box. There.

Harry

Look, could we be quite quick?

Rufus

Certainly, sir. Ready in the flashiest of flashes. There.

Harry

That’s great.

Rufus

Not quite finished.

Harry

Look, look actually I don’t, I don’t need a bag; I’ll just put it in my pocket.

Rufus

Oh, this isn’t a bag, sir.

Harry

Really?

Rufus

This is so much more than a bag. Ooh!

Harry

Could we be quite quick, please?

Rufus

Prontissimo.

Harry

What’s that?

Rufus

It’s a cinnamon stick, sir.

Harry

Actually, I really, err, can’t wait.

Rufus

You won’t regret it, sir.

Harry

Want to bet?

Rufus

‘Tis but the work of a moment. There we go. Almost finished.

Harry

Almost finished? What else can there be? Are you going to dip it in yoghurt? Cover it with chocolate buttons?

Rufus

Oh no, sir. We’re going to pop it in the Christmas box.

Harry

But I don’t want a Christmas box.

Rufus

But you said you wanted it gift-wrapped, sir.

Harry

I did, but …

Rufus

This is the final flourish.

Harry

Can I just pay?

Rufus

All we need now …

Harry

Oh, God.

Rufus

is a sprig of holly.

Harry

No, no, no, no. No bloody holly.

Rufus

But sir, the …

Harry

Oh leave it, leave it, just leave it.

Karen

Ooh! Loitering around the jewellery section, I see.

Harry

No, I was just looking around, you know.

Karen

Don’t worry. My expectations are not that high after thirteen years of Mr. Oh-But-You-Always-Love-Scarves, Actually, I do love this one.

 

tony’sflat

Music

♪ I’ve got to know: where do the lonely hearts go? (All Alone On Christmas, by Darlene Love)

Colin

Hey.

Tony

What are you doing here?

Colin

Had to rent out my flat to pay for my ticket.

Tony

You’re not actually going ahead with this genuinely stupid plan?

Colin

Yeah I bloody am. You think this backpack is full of clothes? Like hell it is. It is chock-a-block full of condoms.

 

harryandkaren’shouse

Karen

Explain to me again why you’re so late.

Harry

Oh, for Heaven’s sake, woman. Can’t a man have any secrets?

Karen

Get this off. We’ve been waiting for hours; it’s the first ever preview. … It was a starry night in ancient Jerusalem, and the baby Jesus was in his manger.

 

languageschool

Student 1

Sherlock Holmes is not a real detective.

Student 2

[Russian] Is this the way to the railway station?

Student 3

I would like half pint of churly.

Student 4

I would like a one-day travel card.

Jamie

[Portuguese] Oh my God. I have a terrible stomachache. It must have been the prawns.

Student 6

Milton Keynes has many roundabouts.

 

canarywharfundergroundstation

Jamie

[Portuguese] My goodness, this is a very big fish! It tastes delicious!


harryandkaren’shouse

Music

(continuing)

 

All Alone On

Christmas,

by Darlene

Love

♪ Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas.

♪ All alone on Christmas.

♪ Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas.

♪ Tell me: I’ve got to know.

Card:

Sorry I’m such a grumpy bugger.

Bad Harry.

♪ Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas.

♪ Don’t leave me alone.

 

heathrowairport

Tony

You’ll come back a broken man.

Colin

Yeah, back-broken from too much sex.

Tony

You are on the road to disaster.

Colin

No, I am on shag highway, heading west. Farewell, failure. America, watch out! Here comes Colin Frissell and he’s got a big knob.

 

milwaukeetaxi

Colin

Take me to a bar.

Driver

What kind of bar?

Colin

Just any bar. Just your average American bar.

 

bar

Barman

Can I help you?

Colin

Yes, I’d like a Budweiser, please. King of beers.

Barman

Bud coming up.

Stacey

Oh my God. Are you from England?

Colin

Yes.

Stacey

Oh, that is so cute. Hi, I’m Stacey. [Giggle] Jeannie?

Jeannie

Yeah?

Stacey

This is …

Colin

Colin … Frissell.

Jeannie

Cute name. Jeannie.

Stacey

He’s from England.

Colin

Yep. Basildon.

Jeannie

Oh.

Stacey

Oh.

Jeannie

Wait till Carol-Anne gets here. She’s crazy about English guys.

Stacey

Uh-huh.

Carol-Anne

Hey, girls.

Jeannie

Carol-Anne, come meet Colin. He’s from England.

Carol-Anne

Well step aside, ladies. This one’s on me. Hey, gorgeous.

Colin

[Growl]

Stacey

That is so funny. What, what do you call that?

Colin

Err, bottle.

Girls

[English accent] Bottle.

Carol-Anne

What about this?

Colin

Err, straw.

Girls

[English accent] Straw.

Jeannie

What about this?

Colin

Err, table.

Jeannie

Table. Oh. It’s …

Girls

the same.

Carol-Anne

Where are you staying?

Colin

I don’t actually know. I guess I just check into a motel like they do in the movies.

Stacey

Oh my God, oh my God, that is so cute.

Jeannie

No, no, no, listen. This may be a bit pushy ’cause we just met you, but why don’t you come back and sleep at our place?

Carol-Anne

Yeah.

Stacey

Yeah.

Colin

Err, well, I mean, you know, if it’s not too much of an inconvenience.

Jeannie

Hell, no.

Carol-Anne

But there’s one problem.

Colin

What?

Jeannie

Well we’re not the richest of girls, you know, so we just have a little bed and no couch, so you’d have to share with all three of us.

Carol-Anne

And on this cold, cold night it’s going to be crowded and sweaty and stuff.

Jean. & Sta.

Yeah.

Stacey

And we can’t even afford pyjamas …

Colin

No?

Jeannie

which means … we would be naked.

Colin

No, no, I think it’d be fine.

Girls

Great!

Carol-Anne

Erm, the thing that’s going to make it more crowded … Harriet. You haven’t met Harriet.

Colin

There’s a fourth one?

Girls

Yeah.

Stacey

Don’t worry; you’re totally going to like her, ’cause she is “the sexy one”.

Colin

Really?

Jeannie

Yeah.

Colin

Wow. Praise the Lord!

Jeannie

And he’s a Christian!

All

Cheers!

Music

Wherever You Will Go:

The Ceiling

♪ If I could, then I would. I’ll go wherever you will go.

♪ Way up high, or down low, I’ll go wherever you will go.

♪ If I could turn back time …

 

harryandkaren’shouse

Karen

One present only each tonight. Who’s got one for Dad?

Bernard

I have.

Harry

No, let Mummy go first.

Daisy

I’ll get it! I’ll get it!

Karen

No, no, no, no, no. I want to choose mine. I want to choose mine. I think I want … this one.

Harry

I have of course bought the traditional scarf as well, but this is my other, slightly special, personal one.

Karen

Thank you. That’s a real first.

Bernard

Rip it!

Daisy

What is it?

Karen

I’m going to … alright, I’ll rip it. … God, that’s a surprise.

Daisy

What is it?

Karen

It’s a CD. Joni Mitchell, wow.

Harry

To continue your emotional education.

Karen

Yes. Goodness. That’s great.

Harry

My brilliant wife.

Karen

Ah, yes. Actually, umm, do you mind if I just absent myself for a second? All that ice-cream. Err … Darling, could you make, just make sure the kids are ready to go? I’ll be back in a minute.

Harry

[To children] Alright, take it easy.

Bernard

Mine first. Mine.

Music

 

Both Sides

Now:

Joni Mitchell

♪ Moons and Junes, and Ferris wheels;

♪ The dizzy, dancing way that you feel:

♪ As every fairy tale comes real,

♪ I’ve looked at love that way.

♪ But now it’s just another show

♪ And you leave them laughing when you go,

♪ And if you care, don’t let them know:

♪ Don’t give yourself away.

♪ I’ve looked at love from both sides now:

♪ From give and take, and still somehow

♪ It’s love’s illusions that I recall.

♪ I really don’t know love. I really don’t know love at all.

♪ Tears and fears, and feeling proud;

♪ To say “I love you.” right out loud;

♪ Dreams and schemes, and circus crowds:

♪ I’ve looked at life that way.

♪ Oh, but now old friends … [continued through Karen’s speech]

Karen and

Music

Oh, my God. It’s a miracle.

♪ They’re acting strange.

You’re all dressed. Come on, come on, come on; we’re horribly late. Come on then. In the car, in the car.

♪ They shake their heads, and they tell him that I’ve changed.

♪ Well, something’s lost, but something’s gained.

♪ In living every day …

 

danielandsam’shouse

Daniel

Has she noticed you yet?

Sam

No, but you know the thing about romance is people only get together right at the very end.

Daniel

Of course.

Sam

By the way, I feel bad. I never ask you how your love life is going.

Daniel

Err-huh! No. As you know, that was a done deal long ago, unless, of course, Claudia Schiffer calls, in which case I want you out of the house straight away, you wee motherless mongrel.

Sam

Oh.

Daniel

No no, we’ll want to have sex in every room, including yours.

 

london

DJ

It’s a rainy Christmas Eve all over the U.K, and the big question is who is number one on the Radio One chart show tonight? Is it Blue or the unexpected Christmas sensation from Billy Mack? Well you might have guessed it, although you may not believe it. It’s Billy Mack.

 

londoncityhall

Joe

You are the champion!

Crowd

Shh.

DJ

Hi, Billy.

Bill

Hello.

DJ

We’re live across the nation and you’re number one. How will you be celebrating?

Bill

I don’t know. Err, either, I could behave like a real rock ‘n’ roll loser and get drunk with my fat manager … or, when I hang up, I’ll be flooded by invitations to a large number of glamorous parties.

DJ

Let’s hope it’s the latter, and here it is, number one from Billy Mack: it’s Christmas Is All Around.

Bill

Oh, Jesus, not that crap again!

Executive

Bill. It’s for you, babe.

Bill

Hello. Elton! O-Of course. O-Of course. Send an embarrassingly big car and I’ll be there. It’s going to be a very good Christmas.


jamie’sfamilyhome

Sister

Oh, look everyone. It’s Uncle Jamie.

Girl 1

Hi, Uncle Jamie!

Jamie

Well yes, oh, splendid. It’s lovely, it’s lovely to see you all, and err … I’m off, actually.

Mother

But, Jamie, darling.

Jamie

Sorry. Man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.

Girl 1

I hate Uncle Jamie.

Girl 2

I hate Uncle Jamie.

Boy

I hate Uncle Jamie.

Jamie

Gatwick Airport, please. Fast as you can.

 

harry’scompany

Karl

Night, Sarah.

Sarah

Night, Karl.

Karl

I erm … Merry Christmas.

Sarah

Merry Christmas. [Sarah phones Michael] Hi babe, how’s it going? Yeah. Is it all party party party down there?

 

drawingroom10downingstreet

Label

Read these – A random sample!

 

danielandsam’shouse

Daniel

Sam. Time for dinner.

Sam

I’m not hungry.

Daniel

Sam, I’ve done chicken kebabs.

Sam

Look at the sign on the door.

Daniel

Right.

 

hospital

Sarah

It’s a little long.


peterandjuliette’shouse

Juliette

I’ll get it. Oh, hi.

Peter

Who is it?

Card 1

Say it’s carol singers.

Juliette

It’s carol singers.

Peter

Well give them a quid and tell them to bugger off.

Cards 2-13

and Music

♪ Silent night, [Silent Night – Traditional Christmas Carol, sung here by Pre Teens]

With any luck, by next year

♪ Holy night,

I’ll be going out with one of these girls …

♪ All is calm;

[Card 4 has pictures of supermodels.]

♪ All is bright.

But for now let me say

♪ Round yon virgin

Without hope or agenda

♪ Mother and child,

♪ Holy infant

Just because it’s Christmas

♪ So tender and mild:

(And at Christmas you tell the truth)

♪ Sleep in Heavenly peace.

To me, you are perfect.

♪ Sleep in Heavenly peace.

And my wasted heart will love you

♪ Silent night,

Until you look like this …

♪ Holy night,

[Card 12 has a picture of a corpse.]

♪ Shepherds quake

Merry Christmas

♪ At the sight.

Juliette

[Whisper] Merry Christmas

Music

 

Silent Night

continues

♪ Glories stream

♪ From Heaven afar.

♪ Heavenly hosts

♪ Sing alleluia.

♪ Christ the saviour is born. [Kiss]

♪ Christ the saviour is born.

Mark

Enough. Enough now.


joe’sflat

Joe

What the hell are you doing here? I mean you’re supposed to be at Elton John’s.

Bill

Yeah, well, I, I was there for a minute or two and then, then I had an epiphany.

Joe

Really?

Bill

Yeah.

Joe

Come on. Just come up. So, umm, what was this epiphany?

Bill

Erm, it wa, it was about Christmas.

Joe

You realised it was all around.

Bill

No. I re, I realised that Christmas is, is the time to be with the people you love.

Joe

Right.

Bill

And, I realised that, as dire chance and, and, and fateful cockup would have it, here I am, mid-fifties, and without knowing it I’ve gone and spent most of my adult life with a, with a chubby employee, and, and much as it grieves me to say it, it, it might be that the people I love is, in fact … you.

Joe

Well this is a surprise.

Bill

Yeah.

Joe

Ten minutes at Elton John’s, you’re as gay as a maypole?

Bill

No, look, I’m s, I’m serious here. I left Elton’s, where there were a hefty number of half-naked chicks with their mouthes open in order to hang out with you, at Christmas.

Joe

Well, Bill …

Bill

It’s a terrible, terrible mistake, Chubbs, but you turn out to be the fucking love of my life. And to be honest, despite all my complaining, we have had a wonderful life.

Joe

Well, thank you. I mean, err, come on, it’s been an honour. I feel very proud.

Bill

Oh, don’t, don’t be a moron. … Come on, let’s get pissed and watch porn.

 

drawingroom10downingstreet

Card 1

Prime Minister, Seasonal Wishes and Best Wishes for the coming year. Here’s to another prosperous year. Lord Olivier.

Card 2

Prime Minister, Seasons Greetings for Christmas and the New Year. M. Suiz. Sir Mike Suiz …

Card 3

Dear sir, Dear David, Merry Christmas and I hope you have a very happy New Year. I’m very sorry about the thing that happened. It was a very odd moment and I feel like a prize idiot, particularly because (if you can’t say it at Christmas, when can you, eh?) I’m actually yours. With love, XXX Your Natalie.

David

Jack, yeah, I need a car. Right now. Thank you. Oh, don’t wait up. I’d like to go to Wandsworth: the dodgy end.

Terry

Very good, sir.


harrisstreetwandsworthlondon

Music

♪ Your eyes tell me how you want me.

♪ I can feel it in your heartbeat.

♪ I know you like what you see.

Terry

Harris Street. What number, sir?

David

Oh, God, it’s the longest street in the world and I have absolutely no idea.

 

firstdoorharrisstreet

David

Hello. Does Natalie live here?

Old woman

No.

David

Right, fine. Thank you. Sorry to disturb.

Old woman

Here, aren’t … aren’t you the Prime Minister?

David

Err, yes, in fact I am. Merry Christmas.

Old woman

Oh.

David

Part of the service now. Trying to get round everyone by New Year’s Eve.

 

seconddoorharrisstreet

David

Ah. Hello. Err, does Natalie live here?

Girl 1

No, she doesn’t.

David

Oh dear. OK.

Girl 1

Are you singing carols?

David

Err, no. No, I’m not.

Girl 2

Please, sir. Please.

Girl 3

Please.

David

Well, I mean I suppose I could.

Girl 3

Please.

David

Alright.

Girls

[Cheer]

David

♪ Good King Wencelas last looked out on the feast of Stephen

[Gavin accompanies.]

♪ When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even.

♪ Brightly shone the moon that night …

 

thirddoorharrisstreet

David

Hello. Sorry to disturb. Does Natalie live here?

Mia

No. She lives next-door.

David

Ah. Brilliant.

Mia

You’re not who I think you are, are you?

David

Yes, I’m afraid I am, and I’m sorry about all the cockups. – It’s not my fault; my cabinet are absolute crap. We hope to do better next year. Merry Christmas to you.


fourthdoorharrisstreet

David

Ah. Hello. Is, err, Natalie in?

Natalie

Oh, where the fuck is my fucking coat? Oh. Hello.

David

Hello.

Natalie

Erm, this is my mum and my dad and my Uncle Tony and my Auntie Glynne.

Glynne

Hello.

David

Very nice to meet you.

Natalie

And erm … this is the Prime Minister.

Mother

Yes, we can see that, darling.

Natalie

And, erm, unfortunately we’re very late.

Mother

It’s the school Christmas concert, you see, David. I-It’s the first time all the local schools have joined together. Even St. Basil’s …

Natalie

Too much detail, Mum.

Father

Anyway, err, how can we help, sir?

David

Well, I just needed Natalie … on some state business.

Mother

Oh.

Father

Right, yes. Of course. Right, err … Well perhaps you should err, come on later, Plumpy, err, Natalie.

David

Well listen, I don’t want to make you late for the concert.

Natalie

No, i-it’s nothing, really.

Mother

Keith’ll be very disappointed.

Natalie

No, really, it doesn’t matter.

Mother

The octopus costume’s taken me months. Eight is a lot of legs, David.

David

Mm, erm, well listen, why don’t I erm, give you a lift and then we can talk about this state business … business in the car?

Natalie

OK.

Parents

Lovely, yes.

Boy

Thank you.

Policeman

Hold tight, everybody.

 

primeminister’scar

David

How far is this place?

Natalie

Just round the corner.

David

Ah, right. Well, err … I just wanted to say, erm, thank you for the Christmas card.

Natalie

You’re welcome. Look, I’m so sorry about that day. I mean, I came into the room and he slinked towards me and there was a fire and he’s the President of the United States and nothing happened, I promise, and I just felt like such a fool because I think about you all the time, actually, and I think you’re the man that I really …

Keith

We’re here!

Natalie

[Unheard] love.

David

Oh, wow. That really was just round the corner. Err … erm … ow! Well, look, I, err … I, I’d better not come in, you know. The last thing anyone wants is some sleazy politician stealing the kids’ thunder.

Natalie

No, please come. It’ll be great.

David

No, I’d, I’d better not, but I will be very sorry to drive away from here.

Natalie

Just give me one second.

Sam

[To Daniel] No!

Natalie

Come on in. We can watch from backstage.

David

OK. Err, Terry, I won’t be long. Look, this erm, this has to be a very secret visit, OK?

Natalie

Don’t worry. This was my school. I know my way around. Come on.

 

schoolcorridor

Karen

Look, the sheep are ready already and you’re not even … Oh! David!

David

Ah! Ah! Oh. How are you? Hi, guys. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You alright?

Karen

What the hell are you doing here?

David

Well, you know, I …

Karen

Well I always tell your secretary, secretary, secretary that these things are going on, but it never occurred to me you’d actually turn up.

David

Well, I thought it was about time I, I did. Erm, I, I just didn’t want anyone to see, so I’m going to hide myself somewhere and, and watch the show. Good luck! Good luck, Daisy. Good luck, Bernie.

Karen

I have to tell you I’ve never been gladder to see my stupid big brother. Thank you.

David

Alright.

Karen

Oh, now. We haven’t been introduced.

David

Oh, right. Erm, well, this is Gavin, who’s …

Karen

Oh, hello, Gavin. Sorry.

Gavin

Hello.

David

my copper, and this is Natalie, who’s my, erm, who’s my, erm, you know, catering manager.

Karen

Oh.

Natalie

Hi.

Karen

Catering manager. Watch out he keeps his hands off you. Twenty years ago, you’d have been just his type.

Natalie

I’ll be very careful. Don’t try something, sir, just because it’s Christmas.

Karen

No, seriously. Come on. Showtime. Quickly. Umm, look, see you after, yeah?

David

Yeah, probably, yeah.

Karen

Thank you, Prime Minister.

David

It’s alright.

Natalie

Come on.

David

Right.


schoolconcert

Chorus

 

Catch A

Falling Star

♪ Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket.

♪ Save it for a rainy day.

♪ Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket.

♪ Never let it fade away.

♪ Never let it fade away.

♪ Never let it fade away.

Mr Trench

Hillier School would now like to present their chosen Christmas number: err, lead vocals by ten-year-old Joanna Anderson; backing vocals coordinated by her mother, err, the great Mrs Jean Anderson. Erm, some of the staff have decided to help out, and err, for this, we ask you to forgive us. Thank you.

Joanna

 

All I Want For

Christmas:

Olivia Olson

♪ I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need.

♪ I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree.

♪ I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know.

♪ Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you.

♪ I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just thing I need.

♪ I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree.

♪ I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know.

♪ Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you.

♪ You, baby.

♪ Oh, all the lights are shining so brightly everywhere

♪ And the sound of children’s laughter fills the air. (Laughter fills the air.)

♪ Everyone is singing (Oh yeah.) I hear some sleigh bells ringing.

♪ Santa, won’t you bring me the honey I need? Won’t you please bring my baby to me?

♪ I don’t want a lot for Christmas. This is all I’m asking for. (All I’m asking for)

♪ I just want to see my baby standing right outside my door.

♪ ’Cause I just want you for my own more than you could ever know. (You will ever know)

♪ Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you, and you, and you, and you, and you.

♪ All I want for Christmas.

David

Right. So, not quite as secret as we’d hoped.

Natalie

What do we do now?

David

Smile; little bow; and a wave.

 

afterconcert

Karen

Absolutely no idea. I mean, can you imagine? I’ll see you later, alright? I’ll speak to you. Bye. [To Harry] Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do?

Harry

What position is that?

Karen

Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and come Christmas gave it to somebody else.

Harry

Oh, Karen.

Karen

Would you wait around to find out if it …

Friend

Good night.

 

 

Karen

Night night, night night. Happy Christmas. Would you wait around to find out if it’s just a necklace, or if it’s sex and a necklace, or if, worst of all, it’s a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse, or would you cut and run?

Harry

Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. A classic fool.

Karen

Yes, but you’ve also made a fool out of me. You’ve made the life I lead foolish, too. [To children] Darling! Ooh, darlings! Oh, you were wonderful, my little lobster. You were so – What is that word? – orange. Come on. I’ve got treats at home. Dad’s coming.

Daniel

Sammy! Fantastic show! Classic drumming, son!

Sam

Thanks. Plan didn’t work, though.

Daniel

Tell her, then.

Sam

Tell her what?

Daniel

Tell her that you love her.

Sam

No way. Anyway, they fly tonight.

Daniel

Even better. Sam, you’ve got nothing to lose and you’ll always regret it if you don’t. I never told your mum enough. I should have told her every day, because she was perfect every day. You’ve seen the films, kiddo. It ain’t over till it’s over.

Sam

OK, Dad. Let’s do it. Let’s go get the shit kicked out of us by love.

Daniel

Yes.

Sam

Just give me one sec.

Daniel

Yeah. Oh, I’m sorry.

Carol

Sorry.

Daniel

That’s OK. My fault.

Carol

No no, no, really, it wasn’t. You’re Sam’s dad, aren’t you?

Daniel

Yeah: stepdad, actually. Daniel.

Carol

I’m Carol.

Daniel

Carol.

Sam

OK, I’m back. Let’s go.

Daniel

Yeah, well … I hope we’ll meet again, Karen.

Carol

Carol. I’ll make sure we do.

Daniel

Yeah? Good.

Sam

Tell her.

Daniel

What?

Sam

You know. [Kiss sound]

Daniel

Don’t be such an arse.

Sam

Look, there she is.

Daniel

Where?

Sam

Over there. Oh no.

Daniel

It’s OK. We’ll go to the airport. I know a short cut.


portuguesecommunityinfrance

Jamie

[Portuguese] Good evening. Senhor Barros?

Mr. Barros

[Portuguese] Yes.

Jamie

[Portuguese] I am here to ask your daughter for her hands in marriage.

Mr. Barros

[Portuguese] You want to marry my daughter?

Jamie

[Portuguese] Yes.

Mr. Barros

[Portuguese] [To Sophia] Come here. There is a man at the door. He wants to marry you.

Sophia

[Portuguese] But I’ve never seen him before.

Mr. Barros

[Portuguese] Who cares?

Sophia

[Portuguese] You’re going to sell me to a complete stranger?

Mr. Barros

[Portuguese] Sell? Who said sell? I’ll pay him.

Jamie

[Portuguese] Pardon me. I’m meaning your other daughter: Aurelia.

Mr. Barros

[Portuguese] She’s not here. She’s at work. I’ll take you. [To Sophia] You stay here.

Sophia

[Portuguese] As if I would. Stupid! … Father is about to sell Aurelia as a slave to this Englishman.

 

heathrowairport

Daniel

Wait, wait.

Screen

Flight Number VS003

21:45

New York (JFK)

Last Call

Gate 36

Daniel

Oh no.

 

portuguesecommunityinfrance

Sophia

[Portuguese] You’d better not say yes, Father.

Mr. Barros

Shut up, Miss Dunkin’ Donuts 2003.

 

heathrowairport

Daniel

Look, we’re not actually flying.

Guard

Well you can’t come through without a boarding pass.

Daniel

Not even to let the boy say goodbye to the love of his life?

Guard

No.

Daniel

I, I’m sorry, Sam.

Guard

Boarding pass, sir?

Rufus

Err, just a moment. I know I’ve got it here somewhere. Sorry, would you mind hanging onto that?

Daniel

Unless …

Sam

What?

Daniel

Do you want to make a run for it?

Rufus

If you’d hold on to that as well I’d be very grateful.

Sam

Do you think I should?

Daniel

Yeah.

Sam

OK.

Daniel

Yes!

Rufus

No, I must have left them where I was having a cup of coffee. I am sorry.

Sam

[Inaudible through glass] Joanna!

 

portuguesecommunityinfrance

Woman

[Portuguese] Apparently he is going to kill Aurelia.

Girl

[Portuguese] Cool!

 

heathrowairport

Sam

Joanna.

Joanna

Sam?

Sam

I thought you didn’t know my name.

Joanna

Course I do.

Sam

Oh, Jesus. Here, I’ve got to run.

 

portugueserestaurantinfrance

Mr. Barros

[Portuguese] Where is Aurelia?

Manager

[Portuguese] Why should I tell you?

Mr. Barros

[Portuguese] This man wants to marry her.

Manager

[Portuguese] He can’t do that. She’s our best waitress.

Jamie

[Portuguese] Good evening, Aurelia.

Aurelia

[Portuguese] Good evening, Jamie.

Jamie

[Portuguese] Beautiful Aurelia, I’ve come here with a view to asking you to marriage me. I know it seems an insane person because I hardly knows you, but sometimes things are so transparency, they don’t need evidential proof. And I will inhabit here or you can inhabit with me in England.

Sophia

[Portuguese] Definitely go for England, girl. You’ll meet Prince William – then you can marry him instead.

Mr. Barros

Shh.

Jamie

[Portuguese] Of course, I don’t expecting you to be as foolish as me, and of course I prediction you say no … but it’s Christmas and I just wanted to … check.

Sophia

[Portuguese] Oh, God. Say yes, you skinny moron.

Aurelia

[English] Thank you. That will be nice. Yes is being my answer. Easy question.

Mr. Barros

[Portuguese] What did you say?

Aurelia

[Portuguese] Yes, of course.

Waiter

Bravo!

Jamie

[English] You learned English?

Aurelia

[English] Just in cases.


heathrowairport

Music

♪ I may not always love you, [God Only Knows, by The Beach Boys]

♪ But long as there are stars above you, [Music continues through speech]

Joe

Hello, Daisy.

♪ You never need to doubt it.

Bill

This one’s Greta.

Joe

Hello, Greta.

♪ I’ll make you so sure about it.

Jamie

Well, here she is. This is Aurelia. This is Juliette. This is Peter.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

Oh, hi, hi Mark. Didn’t see you there.

Mark

Yeah, just thought I’d tag along.

Aurelia

Jamie’s friends are so good-looking. He never tells me this.

♪ If you should ever leave me,

I think maybe now I have made the wrong choice:

♪ Though life would still go on, believe me,

picked wrong Englishman.

Jamie

She can’t speak English properly. She, she doesn’t know what she’s saying.

♪ The world could show nothing to me,

Daisy

Dad! Dad!

♪ So what good would living do me?

Harry

Oh, God.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

Daisy

Did you get us any presents?

Harry

As a matter of fact, I did.

Bernard

Thanks, Dad.

Harry

How are you?

Karen

I’m fine. I’m fine. Good to have you back. Come on. Home.

Sam

There she is.

Joanna

Hi.

Sam

Hello.

Daniel

Oh, he should have kissed her.

Carol

No, that’s cool.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

Colin

Whoohoo!

♪ If you should ever leave me,

Now, this is Harriet.

♪ Though life would still go on, believe me,

Harriet

Hi. Really pleased to meet you.

Tony

Hello, Harriet.

♪ The world could show nothing to me,

 

Harriet

I hope you don’t mind: I sort of brought my sister to stay.

♪ So what good would living do me?

This is Carla. She’s real friendly.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

Carla

Hello. You must be Tony. I heard you were gorgeous.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

David

God, you weigh a lot.

Natalie

Oh, shut your face.

Music

 

God Only

Knows

continues

♪ God only knows.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

♪ God only knows.

♪ God only knows what I’d be without you.

 

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